Medical Jokes

An optometrist operates on a hippie painter’s girlfriend and saves her eyesight. The hippie painter is so grateful that he goes to the doctor’s house one day, while the doctor has office hours, goes inside and paints a huge eye on an entire wall of the living room, leaving the fireplace as the pupil of the eye. He’s just finishing up when the doctor walks in.

He says to the doctor, “Well, do you like it man?”

The doctor says, “Yeah, but I’m certainly glad I’m not a gynecologist!”

A few days before his proctologic exam, a one-eyed man accidentally swallowed his glass eye. He was worried for awhile, but there were no ill effects, so he forgot about it.

Once he was in the doctor’s office, the man followed the doctor’s instructions, undressed and bent over. The first thing the proctologist saw when he looked up the man’s rear was that glass eye staring right back at him!

Taken aback, the doctor said, “You know, you really must learn to trust me.”

Why does a doctor need to control his temper?

Because he doesn’t want to lose his patients!

A doctor, an engineer, a rabbi and a lawyer were debating who was the world’s first professional.

The Doctor said, “It must have been a doctor. Who else could have helped with the world’s first surgery of taking a rib from Adam to create Eve, the first woman?”

“No,” said the rabbi. “It must have been a rabbi, since the Lord needed someone to help preach his message to Adam and the world.”

“Wait,” said the engineer. “The world was created in 6 days from nothing. Do you know what a master engineering feat that must have been to create the whole world into an orgnanized civilized place from utter chaos?”

“Yes, but who created the chaos?” asked the lawyer….

A doctor, a nurse, and the top executive of an HMO have died and are in line together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter speaks with them and asks them what good they have done in their lives.

The doctor says, “I have devoted my life to the sick and needy and have had a part in caring for and healing thousands of people.

St. Peter replies, “That’s great. Go ahead into heaven. And what about you?”

The nurse states, “I have supported the Doctor and his patients my entire life as an adult, have taken time to explain things to patients and have helped them lead healthy lives.”

“Wonderful! Please proceed in with the Doctor. And what about you?”

The HMO executive says, “I was the president of a very large Health Maintenance Organization. I was responsible for the health care of millions of people all over the country.”

St. Peter says, “Oh, I see. Please go on in …but you can only stay two nights!”