Medical Jokes

Old Aunt Dora went to her doctor to see what could be done about her constipation problem. “It’s terrible,” she said. “I haven’t moved my bowels in a week.”

“I see. Have you done anything about it?” asked the doctor.

“Oh, yes,” she replied. “I sit in the bathroom for a half hour in the morning and again at night.”

“No,” the doctor said. “I mean do you take anything?”

“Of course,” she answered. “I take a magazine in with me each time.”

Why do doctors smack the babies when they are born?

To knock the balls off the dumb ones.

When the doctor takes his history and does the physical exam, he discovers that his poor patient has had practically every therapy known to man for his migraines and STILL has seen no improvement.

“Listen,” says the Doc, “I have migranes, too, and the advice I’m going to give you isn’t really anything I learned in medical school, but it’s advice that I’ve gotten from my own experience.

When I have a migraine, I go home, get in a nice hot bathtub and soak for awhile. Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I can stand, especially around the forehead. This helps a little. Then I get out of the tub, take her into the bedroom, and even if my head is killing me, I force myself to have sex with her. Almost always, the headache is immediately gone. Now, give it a try, and come back and see me in six weeks.”

Six weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin. “Doc, I took your advice, and it works!! It REALLY, REALLY WORKS!!! I’ve had migraines for 17 years, and this is the FIRST time ANYONE has ever helped me!”

“Well,” says the physician, “I’m glad I could help.”

“By the way, Doc,” the patient adds, “You have a REALLY nice house.”

Bob and Larry were out chopping wood one day. As they were chopping, Bob slipped and cut off his arm. Picking it up and placing it in a bag, Bob and Larry went to the Doctor. The Doctor looked at the situation and stated, “This should not be a problem. Reatatching an arm is easy. Larry come back in an hour.” So Larry left too chop some more wood. Thirty minutes later he went back to the Doctor, who told him, “The operation was a success. Bob is at batting practice.”

Bob and Larry went back too chopping wood, when once again Bob slipped. This time he took off his leg. They put it in a bag and went to the Doctor who told them, “Well, legs are a little harder, but give me 2 hours.” Larry left and came back in 1 hour. The Doctor told him, “Oh the operation went fine. Bob is out playing soccer.”

Bob and Larry were out chopping wood when Bob lost his footing and lopped off his head. Picking up the head and placing it in a bag, Larry took Bob to the Doctor.

The Doctor looked at the head and said, “I don’t know. Reataching heads is alittle trickier than an arm or a leg, but I think I can do it. Give me 4 hours.”

Larry left the Doctor to his work and continued to chop wood. 3 1/2 hours later he went back to the Doctor. The Doc told him the sad news. “I’m sorry Larry, but Bob didn’t make it.”

“That’s OK Doc, I’m sure you did everything possible during the operation.”

“Oh, well I didn’t even operate. Bob was dead before I began.”

“How did he die, Doc?”, Larry asked.

“He suffocated in the bag.”

A professor is giving the first year medical students their first lecture on autopsies, and decides to give them a few basics before starting.

“You must be capable of two things to do an autopsy. The first thing is that you must have no sense of fear.” At this point, the lecturer sticks his finger into the dead man’s anus, and then licks it.

He asks all the students to do the same thing with the corpses in front of them. After a couple of minutes silence, they follow suit.

“The second thing is that you must have an acute sense of observation: I stuck my middle finger into the corpse’s anus, but I licked my index.”