Office Jokes

“Resumania” is a term coined by Mr. Robert Half, founder of
RHI Consulting’s parent company, to describe the
unintentional bloopers that often appear on job candidates’
resumes, job applications and cover letters. Here’s some
examples:

“I perform my job with effortless efficiency, effectiveness,
efficacy, and expertise.”
(And an eye on the “e” section of the dictionary,
evidently.)

“Insufficient writing skills, thought processes have slowed
down some. If I am not one of the best, I will look for
another opportunity.”
(No problem …)

“Seek challenges that test my mind and body, since the two
are usually inseparable.”
(Glad to hear it.)

“My compensation should be at least equal to my age.”
(And bonuses “tied to” his shoe size?)

“I am very detail-oreinted.”
(With the possible exception of spelling)

“I can play well with others.”
(We’ll be sure to tell your mommy.)

“Married, eight children. Prefer frequent travel.”
(A new twist on work-family balance.)

“Objection: To utilize my skills in sales.”
(Have you considered law school?)

“My salary requirement is $34 per year.”
(They say money isn’t everything.)

“Served as assistant sore manager.”
(Ouch.)

“Work history: Bum. Abandoned belongings and led nomadic
lifestyle.”
(So you’re willing to travel?)

“Previous experience: Self-employed - a fiasco.”
(Definitely to the point.)

“I vow to fulfill the goals of the company as long as I
live.”
(And they say loyalty is hard to come by.)

“Reason for leaving last job: Pushed aside so the vice
president’s girlfriend could steal my job.”
(We’re glad you’re not bitter.)

10. I need to whip it out by 5.

9. Mind if I use your laptop?

8. Just stick it in my box.

7. If I have to lick one more, I’ll gag!

6. I want it on my desk, NOW!!!

5. Hmmmmmm. I think it’s out of fluid!

4. My equipment is so old; it takes forever to finish.

3. It’s an entry-level position.

2. When do you think you’ll be getting off today?

And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty in the office but isn’t:

1. It’s not fair… I do all the work while he just sits there!

Top 10 Questions You Should Never Ask When Being Interviewed For A Job :

1. What’s your company’s policy on severance pay?

2. How long does it take your company’s bureaucracy to get around to firing somebody for poor performance?

3. Could I get an office that’s really close to the exit?

4. Does your company’s life insurance cover suicide?

5. Who’s the ugly bitch in that picture on your desk?

6. Does your company’s insurance consider genital herpes a pre-existing condition?

7. How many sick days do you allow each employee before you stop paying them for not being here?

8. Does your insurance cover sex-change operations?

9. Does your LAN have a firewall that blocks triple-X websites?

10. How frequently do your accountants audit petty cash?

There are three engineers in a car; an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer and a Microsoft engineer.

Suddenly the car just stops by the side of the road, and the three engineers look at each other wondering what could be wrong. The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics of the car and trying to trace where a fault might have occurred.

The chemical engineer, not knowing much about cars, suggests that maybe the fuel is becoming emulsified and getting blocked somewhere.

Then, the Microsoft engineer, not knowing much about anything, comes up with a suggestion: Why don’t we close all the windows, get out, get back in, then open the windows again. Then maybe it’ll work!?”

A sale representative stops at a small manufacturing plant in North Dakota. He presents a box of cigars to the manager as a gift.

“No, thanks,” says the plant manager. “I tried smoking a cigar once, but I didn’t like it.”

The sales rep shows his display case and then, hoping to clinch a sale, offers to take the manager out for a round of drinks.

“No, thanks,” the plant manager replies. “You know, I tried alcohol once, but didn’t like it.

Then the salesman glances out the office window and sees a golf course.

“I suppose you play golf,” says the salesman. “I’d like to invite you to be a guest at my club.”

“That’s kind of you, but no, thanks,” the manager says. “I played golf once, but I didn’t like it.” Just then a young man enters the office.

“Let me introduce my son, Mike,” says the plant manager.

“Let me guess,” the salesman replies. “An only child?”