Office Jokes

A pheasant was standing in a field chatting to a bull. “I would love to be able to get to the top of the yonder tree,” sighed the pheasant, “but I haven’t got the energy.”

“Well, why don’t you nibble on some of my droppings?” replied the bull. “They’re packed with nutrients.” The pheasant pecked at a lump of do-do and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more do-do, he reached the second branch. And so on.

Finally, after the fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

Where upon he was spotted by a farmer who dashed into the farmhouse, emerged with a shotgun, and shot the pheasant right out of the tree.

Moral of the Story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won’t keep you there.

An extremely well endowed receptionist was primly seated at the front desk of a leading provider of Internet services and help. As was the policy of the Company - there were no dress codes allowed.

Knowing that she might be able to attract a future husband in this well situated position and knowing that she would not be chastised for her appearance, she elected to wear a rather low cut blouse when she was at work.

One day a very aggressive salesman showed up at the office and demanded to see her boss. He suddenly recognized the two outstanding tributes of this beautiful girl and proceeded to examine the situation with considerably more care.

Noting his expression and where he had his eyes focused she promptly announced “You can bet your sweet a** he sure is not in there!”

A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco’s Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs.

“Twelve dollars for the rat, sir,” says the shop owner, “and a thousand dollars more for the story behind it.”

“You can keep the story, old man,” he replies, “but I’ll take the rat.”

The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him. By the time he’s walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars. Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run full tilt.

No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously, now not just thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes rushing up to the water’s edge a trail of rats twelve city blocks long is behind him. Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with one arm while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay with the other, as far as he can heave it. Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown.

Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop.

“Ah, so you’ve come back for the rest of the story,” says the owner.

“No,” says the tourist, “I was wondering if you have a bronze lawyer.”

Technology for Country Folk…

1. LOG ON: Makin a wood stove hotter.

2. LOG OFF: Don’t add no more wood.

3. MONITOR: Keepin an eye on the wood stove.

4. DOWNLOAD: Gettin the farwood off the truk.

5. MEGA HERTZ: When yer not kerful gettin the farwood.

6. FLOPPY DISC: Whatcha git from tryin to carry too much
farwood.

7. RAM: That thar thing whut splits the farwood.

8. HARD DRIVE: Gettin home in the winter time.

9. PROMPT: Whut the mail ain’t in the winter time.

10. WINDOWS: Whut to shut wen it’s cold outside.

11. SCREEN: Whut to shut wen it’s blak fly season.

12. BYTE: Whut them dang flys do.

13. CHIP: Munchies fer the TV.

14. MICRO CHIP: Whut’s in the bottom of the munchie bag.

15. MODEM: Whut cha did to the hay fields.

16. DOT MATRIX: Old Dan Matrix’s wife.

17. LAP TOP: Whar the kitty sleeps.

18. KEYBOARD: Whar ya hang the dang keys.

19. SOFTWARE: Them dang plastic forks and knifs.

20. MOUSE: Whut eats the grain in the barn.

21. MAINFRAME: Holds up the barn roof.

22. PORT: Fancy Flatlander wine

23. ENTER: Northerner talk fer “C’mon in y’all”

24. RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY: Wen ya cain’t ‘member whut ya
paid fer the rifle when yore wife asks.

25. MOUSE PAD: That hippie talk fer the rat hole.

1. Instead of getting a “General Protection Fault” error, your PC would get “Ferklempt”.

2. “Year 2000″ issues are replaced by “Year 5760-5761″ issues.

3. Hanukkah screen savers will have “Flying Dreidels”.

4. Your PC shuts down automatically at sundown on Friday evenings.

5. After your computer dies, you would dispose of it within 24 hours.

6. Your “Start” button would be replaced with a “Let’s go! I’m not getting any younger!” button.

7. “Abort, Retry, Ignore” would be replaced with “Stop it already - You’re killing me!, You vant I should try it again?, I didn’t hear that!”.

8. When disconnecting external devices from the back of your PC, you would be instructed to “Remove the cable from your PC’s tuchis”.

9. Your multimedia player would be renamed to “Nu, so play my music already!”.

10. Internet Explorer would now have a spinning “Star of David” in the upper right corner.

11. You would hear the tune “Hava Nagila” during startup.
12. Microsoft Office would include “A little byte of this, and a little byte of that”.

13. When running “scandisk”, you will be prompted with a “You vant I should fix this?” message.

14. When your PC is working too hard, you would occasionally hear a loud “Oy!!!”.

15. A “monitor cleaning solution” from Manischewitz would advertise that it gets rid of the “schmutz” on your monitor.

16. After 20 minutes of no activity, your PC would go “Schloffen.”

17. Computer viruses would now be cured with chicken soup.