Office Jokes

One day there was a boy and he asked his mom, Mom how old are you?
His mom said that is a question you don’t ask a laddy. When the ate dinner the boy asked , Mom how much do you weigh.
The Mom said that is a question you don’t ask a laddy. When the Mom tucked the boy in he asked, her Mom why did you and dad get a divorce? Mom said because, just because.
The next day the boy went to school and told his friend that his mom would not tell him anything. So the friend says, Well look at her license. So the boy went home and saw that his mom was gardening and so he went inside and looked at her license. At dinner time the boy said, Mom 47 is not that old, 167lbs is not that fat Oh, I know why you and dad got divorce. Because you got an F in sex.

There was this ad posted on the office window of an accounting firm :

“HELP wanted. Must be able to type 70 words per minute. Computer literacy is required. Must be bilingual. EQUAL EMPLOYER.”

So there was this dog ambling outside the office. It noticed the ad and shuffled into the office to apply for the position. The employer took one look at the dog, shook his head and said “But I can’t hire a dog.”

The dog pointed at the words EQUAL EMPLOYER on the ad. So the employer said, “OK, can you first type this document?” and gave the dog a letter. The dog typed everything correctly and neatly without a mistake at a rate of 70 words per minute.

Flustered, the employer then said, “Then, can you put these figures into spreadsheet and make a program to feed it into the mainframe, process it in the General Ledger Module and give me the Balance Sheets and Profit and Loss Statement?” and gave the dog some documents. The dog completed the spreadsheet, the program, the Balance Sheet and the P/L statement promptly & correctly.

The employer shook his head, pointed at the ad and said, “But are you bilingual?”

The dog said “Meow!”

One day, Bob, who is a salesman, walked into his boss’s office. Bob said he had this friend who was a really good salesman, but he just got laid off. Bob asked if there was any chance that his boss could give him a job.

His boss smiled, but said that he doesn’t like to hire people unless he meets them first.

Bob then replied, “Well can’t you just give him a chance. You know, one of those trial periods.”

His boss then got an idea. “Well actually, we are all supposed to go out and sell bibles next Wednesday. If your friend wants to, he can come along.”

Bob then thanked his boss. “He won’t let you down.”

So, Wednesday came around and everyone was there, even the new guy. The job was, that all of the salesman were going to go door to door to sell bibles. Then, after one hour, they would all meet back up at their building.

Well, an hour passed, and everyone was back, except the new guy. Another hour passed, and he still wasn’t there. So the boss said they’d give him another half and hour and if he didn’t show that they would go on. So the guy finally shows up.

They all got in a circle and they went around telling how many bibles they had sold. One guy sold 5, the next sold 4, and so on. The most bibles anyone had sold was 7. They got around to the new guy and the boss looked at him and said, “How many bibles did you sell.”

He stood up and calmly said, “Thir-thir-thirty-fi-five.”

The boss thn said, “Well, how did you sell 35 bibles? You get up to the front of the room and tell us how you sold 35 bibles.”

So the guy walked up to the front of the room and this is what he said.

“We-we-well, I wa-wa-walked up to th-the fr-front do-do-door. And I-I said my ho-ho-how do you do-do’s. And th-then I told them I was se-se-selling bi-bibles, and th-that they could bu-buy one, or I cou-could re-read it to them!”

Desperately seeking technical support: I’m currently running the latest version of Girlfriend 5.0 and having some problems. I’ve been running the same version of DrinkingBuddies 1.0 for years as my primary application, and all the Girlfriend releases have always conflicted with it. I hear that DrinkingBuddies won’t crash if you minimize Girlfriend with the sound off, but since I can’t find the switch to turn it off, I just run them separately and it works OK.

Girlfriend also seems to have a problem coexisting with Golfware, often trying to abort my Golf program with some sort of timing incompatibility. I probably should have stayed with Girlfriend 1.0, but I thought I might see better performance with Girlfriend 2.0. After months of conflicts, I consulted a friend who has experience with Girlfriend 2.0. He said I probably didn’t have enough cache to run Girlfriend 2.0 and eventually it would require a Token Ring upgrade to run properly. He was right. As soon as I purged my cache, Girlfriend 2.0 uninstalled itself.

Shortly after that, I installed a Girlfriend 3.0 beta. All the bugs were supposed to be gone, but the first time I used it, it gave me a virus. After a hard drive clean up and thorough virus scan I very cautiously upgraded to Girlfriend 4.0. This time using a SCSI probe and virus protection. It worked OK for a while until I discovered Girlfriend 1.0 wasn’t completely uninstalled! I tried to run Girlfriend 1.0 again with Girlfriend 4.0 still installed, but Girlfriend 4.0 has an unadvertised feature that automatically senses the presence of Girlfriend 1.0 and communicates with it in some way, resulting in the immediate removal of both versions!

The version I have now works pretty well, but, like all versions, there are still some problems. The Girlfriend package is written in some obscure language that I can’t understand, much less reprogram. And I’ve never liked how Girlfriend is totally ‘object-oriented.’

A year ago, a friend upgraded his version to GirlfriendPlus 1.0, which is a Terminate-and-Stay resident version. He discovered GirlfriendPlus 1.0 expires within a year if you don’t upgrade to Fiancée 1.0. So he did. But soon after that, you have to upgrade to Wife 1.0, which he describes as a ‘huge resource hog.’ It has taken up all his space, so he can’t load anything else.

One of the primary reasons that he upgraded to Wife is because it came bundled with FreeSex 1.0. Well, it turns out that the resource allocation module of Wife 1.0 sometimes prohibits access to FreeSex ( particularly the new Plug and Play items he wanted to try). On top of that, Wife 1.0 must be running on a well warmed-up system before he can do anything. And, although he did not ask for it, Wife 1.0 came with MotherInLaw 1.0, which has an automatic popup feature he can’t turn off. I told him to install Mistress 1.0, but he said that he heard that if you try to run it without first uninstalling Wife, that Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before uninstalling itself. Then Mistress 1.0 won’t install anyway, due to insufficient resources. If anybody out there is able to offer technical advice, please do so.

1. Never walk down the hall without a document in your hands.
People with documents in their hands look like hardworking employees heading for important meetings. People with nothing in their hands look like they’re heading for the cafeteria. People with the newspaper in their hands look like they’re heading for the bathroom. Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating the false impression that you work longer hours than you do.

2. Use computers to look busy.
Any time you use a computer, it looks like “work” to the casual observer. You can send and receive personal email, calculate your finances and generally have a blast without doing anything remotely related to work. These aren’t exactly the societal benefits that everybody from the computer revolution envisioned, but not bad either.

When you get caught by your boss - and you will get caught - your best defense is to claim you’re teaching yourself to use the new software, thus saving valuable training dollars. You’re not a loafer, you’re a self- starter. Offer to show your boss what you learned. That will make your boss scurry away like a frightened salamander.

3. Messy desk.
Top management can get away with a clean desk. For the rest of us, it looks like you’re not working hard enough. Build huge piles of documents around your workspace. To the observer, last year’s work looks the same as today’s work; it’s volume that counts. Pile them high and wide.

If you know somebody is coming to your cubicle, bury the document you’ll need halfway down in an existing stack. When he/she arrives, you can turn around, reach for the correct stack, go in at the right depth and extract the document. It will appear that you have an amazing memory and have things really organized.

4. Voice mail.
Never answer your phone if you have voice mail. People don’t call you just because they want to give you something for nothing - they call because they want YOU to do work for THEM. That’s no way to live.

Screen all your calls through voice mail. If somebody leaves a voice mail message for you and it sounds like impending work, respond during lunch hour when you’re hardworking and conscientious even though you’re being a devious weasel. If you diligently employ the method of screening incoming calls and then returning calls when nobody is there, this will greatly increase the odds that the caller will give up or look for a solution that doesn’t involve you. The sweetest voice mail message you can ever hear is “Ignore my last message. I took care of it”. If your voice mailbox has a limit on the number of messages it can hold, make sure you reach that limit frequently. One way to do that is to never erase any incoming messages. If that takes too long, send yourself a few messages. Your callers will hear a recorded message that says, “Sorry, this mailbox is full” - a sure sign that you are a hardworking employee in high demand.

5. Also, some good excuses if you get caught sleeping in your office:
“They told me at the blood bank this might happen.”
“This is just a 15-minute power nap like they raved about in that time-management course you sent me to.”
“Whew! I musta left the top off the liquid paper.”
“This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!”
“I was testing the keyboard for drool-resistance.”
“This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I dreamed about work!”
“Someone must’ve put decaf in the wrong pot.”
“Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won’t wear off!”