Office Jokes

An accountant is someone who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing.

An auditor is someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.

A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain. (Mark Twain)

An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn’t happen today.

A statistician is someone who is good with numbers, but lacks the personality to be an accountant.

An actuary is someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane because that decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane.(Laurence J. Peter)

A programmer is someone who solves a problem you didn’t know you had in a way you don’t understand.

A mathematician is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat which isn’t there. (Charles R. Darwin)

A topologist is a man who doesn’t know the difference between a coffee cup and a doughnut.

A lawyer is a person who writes a 10,000-word document and calls it a “brief.” (Franz Kafka)

A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

“Listen,” said the CEO, “this is a VERY sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work?”

“Certainly,” said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

“Excellent, excellent!” said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. “I just need one copy.”

Similarities between Santa Claus and System Administrators:

1. Santa is bearded, corpulent, and dresses funny.

2. When you ask Santa for something, the odds of receiving what you wanted are infinitesimal.

3. Santa seldom answers your mail.

4. When you ask Santa where he gets all the stuff he’s got, he says, “Elves make it for me.”

5. Santa doesn’t care about your deadlines.

6. Your parents ascribed supernatural powers to Santa, but did all the work themselves.

7. Nobody knows who Santa has to answer to for his actions.

8. Santa laughs entirely too much.

9. Santa thinks nothing of breaking into your HOME.

10. Only a lunatic says bad things about Santa in his presence.

Three women are up for promotion but the company only has one position to give. The boss decides to put an extra $100.00 in each one’s envelope to see how they react.

The first woman says, “Wow, an extra $100.00! I’m going shopping!” The boss notes this.

The second says, “An extra $100.00! I’m going to buy more company stock!” The boss notes this.

Third says, “An extra $100.00! Payroll must have made an error. I’ll go straighten this out right now!!”

Which one got the promotion?

The one with the biggest tits.

What if Dr. Seuss Did Technical Writing?

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
and the bus in interrupted as a very last resort,
and the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash,
and your data is corrupted ’cause the index doesn’t hash,
then your situation’s hopeless and your system’s gonna crash!

If the label on the cable on the table at your house,
says the network is connect to the button on your mouse,
but yor packets want to tunnel on another protocol,
that’s repeatedly rejected the by printer down the hall,
and your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss,
so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse,
then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
’cause as sure as I’m a poet, the sucker’s gonna hang!

When the copy of your floppy’s getting sloppy on the disk,
and the microcode instructions cause unnessary risk,
then you have to flash your memory and you’ll want to RAM your ROM.
Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your mom.