Office Jokes

If you have to write a ‘letter of recommendation’ for a fired employee, here are a few suggested phrases:

-For the chronically absent:
A man like him is hard to find.
It seemed her career was just taking off.

-For the office drunk:
I feel his real talent is wasted here.
We generally found him loaded with work to do.
Every hour with him was a happy hour.

-For an employee with no ambition:
He could not care less about the number of hours he had to put in.
You would indeed be fortunate to get this person to work for you.

-For an employee who is not worth further consideration as a job candidate:
I would urge you to waste no time in making this candidate an offer of employment.
All in all, I cannot say enough good things about this candidate or recommend him too highly.

-For a stupid employee:
There is nothing you can teach a man like him.
I most enthusiastically recommend this candidate with no qualifications whatsoever.

-For a dishonest employee:
Her true ability was deceiving.
He’s an unbelievable worker.

Boss: “Do you believe in life after death???”

New Employee: “Yes, Sir.”

Boss: “Well, then, that explains it. After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother’s funeral, she stopped in to see your new office.”

1. You can achieve a “Runner’s High” by sitting up.
2. You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before…
3. You can see individual air molecules vibrating.
4. You begin to explore the possibility of setting up an I.V. drip solution of espresso.
5. You wonder if brewing is really a necessary step for the consumption of coffee.
6. You believe that if you think hard enough, you can fly.
7. You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before…
8. Things become “Very Clear.”
9. It appears that people are speaking to you in binary code.
10. You have great revelations concerning: Life, the Universe, and Everything else, but can’t quite find the words for them before the white glow disappears, leaving you more confused than before.
11. You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before…
12. Losing your mind was okay, but when the voices in your head quieted, it was like losing your best friend.
13.You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before…
14. You listen to your relaxation tapes on high speed.
15. You call your voicemail from your car using your cell-phone while driving to work to remind yourself of tasks to do during the day.
16. You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before…
17. You page yourself because when its set to vibrate, it’s “almost” like getting a massage.
18. Your e-mail notification tune is Taps.
19. You tap your foot impatiently at the amount of time your microwave popcorn takes to pop.
20. You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before…

You know it’s your last day at work when …

You hand a bank teller an envelope, and when she asks, “What’s this?” you realize you just dropped the company’s deposit in a mailbox.

A woman comes into the store, you turn to the other salesman and say, “I waited on the last fat ugly old lady. This one’s your turn”. Your boss is standing behind you. It’s his wife.

You sneak into your boss’ office and look at some confidential information on his computer while he is at lunch. You spill coffee on the keyboard. It shorts out.

You return from a week’s vacation to find that you had scheduled *this* week as vacation, not last week.

You take a “sick” day. The next morning the boss asks you, “So, how was the fishing on Rock Creek yesterday?”

You wake up hung over. You have a black eye and barked knuckles. Your underwear is missing. You’re in jail. Last night was the company Christmas party.

IF OPERATING SYSTEMS RAN THE AIRLINES - by J. Hovind

UNIX Airways

Everyone brings one piece of the plane along when they come to the airport. They all go out on the runway and put the plane together piece by piece, arguing non-stop about WHAT kind of plane they are supposed to be building.

Air DOS

Everybody pushes the airplane until it glides, then they jump on and let the plane coast until it hits the ground again. Then they push again, jump on again, and so on …

Mac Airlines

All the stewards, captains, baggage handlers, and ticket agents look and act exactly the same. Every time you ask questions about details, you are gently but firmly told that you don’t need to know, don’t want to know, and everything will be done for you without your ever having to know, so just shut up.

Windows Air

The terminal is pretty and colorful, with friendly stewards, easy baggage check and boarding, and a smooth take-off.

After about 10 minutes in the air, the plane explodes with no warning whatsoever.

Windows NT Air

Just like Windows Air, but costs more, uses much bigger planes, and takes out all the other aircraft within a 40-mile radius when it explodes.

Linux Air

Disgruntled employees of all the other OS airlines decide to start their own airline. They build the planes, ticket counters, and pave the runways themselves. They charge a small fee to cover the cost of printing the ticket, but you can also download and print the ticket yourself.

When you board the plane, you are given a seat, four bolts, a wrench and a copy of the seat-HOWTO.html. Once settled, the fully adjustable seat is very comfortable, the plane leaves and arrives on time without a single problem, the in-flight meal is wonderful. You try to tell customers of the other airlines about the great trip, but all they can say is, “You had to do what with the seat?”