Office Jokes

Boss, to four of his employees: “I’m really sorry, but I’m going to have to let one of you go.”

Black Employee: “I’m a protected minority.”

Female Employee: “And I’m a woman.”

Oldest Employee: “Fire me, buster, and I’ll hit you with an age discrimination suit so fast it’ll make your head spin.”

…To which they all turn to look at the helpless young, white, male employee, who thinks a moment, then responds:
“I think I might be gay…”

TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
FROM: Human Resources

It has been brought to Management’s attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers. Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.

We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers. Therefore, a list of preferred new phrases has been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner without risk of offending our more sensitive employees.

SO…

TRY SAYING
Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF
When the fuck do you expect me to do this?

TRY SAYING
I’m certain that this is not feasible.
INSTEAD OF
No fucking way!!

TRY SAYING
Really?
INSTEAD OF
You’ve got to be shitting me.

TRY SAYING
Perhaps you should check with…
INSTEAD OF
Tell someone who gives a shit.

TRY SAYING
Of course I’m concerned.
INSTEAD OF
Ask me if I give a shit.

TRY SAYING
I wasn’t involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF
It’s not my fucking problem.

TRY SAYING
That’s interesting.
INSTEAD OF
What the fuck?!?!

TRY SAYING
I’m not sure I can implement this.
INSTEAD OF
Fuck it, it won’t work.

TRY SAYING
I’ll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF
Why the hell didn’t you tell me sooner?

TRY SAYING
Are you sure this is a problem?
INSTEAD OF
Who the fuck cares?

TRY SAYING
He’s not familiar with the problem.
INSTEAD OF
He’s got his head up his ass.

TRY SAYING
Excuse me sir?
INSTEAD OF
Eat shit and die motherfucker.

TRY SAYING
So you weren’t happy with it?
INSTEAD OF
Kiss my ass.

TRY SAYING
I’m a bit overloaded at this moment.
INSTEAD OF
Fuck it, I’m on salary.

TRY SAYING
I don’t think you understand.
INSTEAD OF
Shove it up your ass.

TRY SAYING
I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF
This job sucks.

TRY SAYING
You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF
Who the hell died and made you boss?

TRY SAYING
I see.
INSTEAD OF
Blow me.

TRY SAYING
Yes, we really should discuss it.
INSTEAD OF
Another fucking meeting!!!

TRY SAYING
I don’t think this will be a problem.
INSTEAD OF
I really don’t give a shit.

TRY SAYING
He’s somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF
He’s a fucking prick.

TRY SAYING
She’s an aggressive go getter.
INSTEAD OF
She’s a ball busting bitch.

One day while walking down the street a highly successful executive woman was tragically hit by a bus and died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the pearly gates by St. Peter himself.

“Welcome to Heaven,” said St. Peter. “Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we’ve never once had an executive make it this far, and we’re not really sure what to do with you.”

“No problem, just let me in.” said the woman.

“Well, I’d like to, but I have higher orders. What we’re going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want, to spend an eternity in.”

“Actually, I think I’ve made up my mind; I prefer to stay in Heaven”, said the woman.

“Sorry, we have rules…”

And with that, St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell.

The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends - fellow executives whom she had worked with, and they were all dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her.

They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner.

She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kinda cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved good bye as she got on the elevator. The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and she found St. Peter waiting for her.

“Now it’s time to spend a day in Heaven,” he said. So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had a great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her.

“So, you’ve spent a day in Hell and you’ve spent a day in Heaven. Now you must choose your eternity,” he said.

The woman paused for a second and then replied, “Well, I never thought I’d say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell.”

So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went
down-down-down, back to Hell. When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth.

She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks. The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her.

“I don’t understand,” stammered the woman, “yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is, is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable.”

The Devil looked at her and smiled. “Yesterday we were recruiting you. Today, you’re STAFF.”

Mr. Johnson had been chosen by the board of a large software company as CEO. On the first day he took office as CEO, Mr. Johnson received three numbered envelopes and a note from the former CEO. In the note, the former CEO wished his successor good luck in running the company. Furthermore, the former CEO explained that he left these three envelopes containing advice. Each envelope should only be opened in the event of a crisis the company would face for which the current CEO would find himself to resolve. The only condition was that each envelope should be opened according to the numbered sequence. Mr. Johnson thought nothing of the envelopes which he placed in his desk drawer.

After two months in office, Mr. Johnson faced the first crisis. There was a delay in the launching of the company’s latest software and as a result, the stockmarket value of the company’s shares went down. In desperation, Mr. Johnson took out the envelopes from his desk drawer and opened the envelope marked “1.” The note in the envelope said “Blame your predecessor.” So, Mr. Johnson called a press conference and subtly blamed his predecessor for the delay. He then went on to assure the media and the public that the newest would be in the market in thirty days. With this said, the crisis died down as the company was able to launch the software which proved to be a big hit. Mr. Johnson was able to keep his job.

After fifteen successive quarters of rising profit, the company then experienced a sudden dip in profits as recession was underway. Again Mr. Johnson took out the envelopes and opened the envelope marked “2.” In the envelope was a note that said, “Reorganize.” So Mr. Johnson embarked on a downsizing program that cut expenses for the company and restored profitability.

After five years since the recession was over, the company faced the gravest crisis that might put it out of business. A new upstart company was able to introduce into the market a new software that was much much better than the company’s current product. As a result, the sales of the current product went down drastically and there were rumors that the company was a target for a hostile takeover. Mr. Johnson opened the last envelope in the hopes of finding a solution to the current crisis. However, the note in the last envelope simply said, “Prepare three envelopes.”

When I take a long time, I am slow.

When my boss takes a long time, He is thorough.

When I don’t do it, I am lazy.

When my boss doesn’t do it, He is too busy.

When I do something without being told, I am trying to be smart.

When my boss does the same, That is initiative.

When I make a mistake, I’m an idiot.

When my boss makes a mistake, He’s only human.

When I take a stand, I’m being bull-headed.

When my boss does it, He’s being firm.

When I overlook a rule of ettiquette, I’m being rude.

When my boss skips a few rules, He’s being original.

When I’m out of the office, I’m wandering around.

When my boss is out of the office, He’s on business.

When I have too many drinks at a social, I’m a drunken bum.

When my boss does the same, He’s just too polite to refuse a drink.

When I’m on a day off sick, I’m always sick.

When my boss is a day off sick, He must be very ill.

When I apply for leave, I must be going for an interview.

When my boss applies for leave, it’s because He’s overworked.

When I please my boss, I’m apple-polishing.

When my boss pleases his boss, He’s co-operating.

When I do good, my boss never remembers.

When I do wrong, He never forgets.