Office Jokes

Keep This near your desk at work so you can translate what is REALLY being said to you.

1) Politically Correct- saying something, without actually saying it so that anyone that hears you isn’t sure what was said nor can they repeat to anyone else to incriminate you.

2) Abrasive- the opposite of being p.c. (politically correct).

3) Heads up- I heard the rumor before you.

4) Challenged - Fucked. (example, “I want to Challenge you….)

5) Mentally Challenged- mentally fucked.

6) Physically Challenged- you aren’t gonna get fucked.

7)BE a TEAM player- someone wants to challenge you on a daily basis.

8)Trade show- a gathering of challengers on an expense account looking for new challenges.

9)Confrontational- you’re standing your ground and pissing them off.

10) Sales Manager- only living heart donor. First cousin to a lawyer.

11) Financial advisor- a wolf in wolf’s clothing (and thus completes the trilogy).

12) Learning opportunity- BEND OVER!

13) Growth opportunity- same as #12 but no k-y jelly.

14) Customer Service- highest form of P.C.

15) Assistant- replaced the word secretary because they can’t keep a secret but they certainly can show their Ass.

Eat your heart out Dilbert

At the annual company Christmas party, the staff decided to play a practical joke on their boss. When he went to the restroom, they (with his wife) went through his coat pockets and found his LOTTO ticket. Then they wrote down his numbers and called the waitress over to set up a little prank.

She came back half an hour later and asked if anyone wanted to know the night’s winning LOTTO numbers. She then proceeded to read them out loud before setting the numbers on the table.

The boss looked at the numbers, then casually pulled out his ticket from his wallet and compared the numbers. He became silent, put his wallet back in his jacket, sat down again, and checked the numbers very carefully.

Then he finished his drink, stood up on his chair and shouted out to the whole room, “I just want to let all of you know something. I don’t like any of you, and I have hated working for this company. You can all shove it, ’cause I’ve just won a truckload of money, and I’m leaving this lousy job tonight!”

His wife fainted.

An assistant to British Field Marshall Harold Alexander once commented on his habit of tipping into his Out tray any letters remaining in his In tray at the end of the working day.

“Excuse me, sir,” he asked. “Why do you do that?”

“It saves time,” explained Alexander. “You’d be surprised how little of it comes back.”

An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.

The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.

The engineer said, “I like both.”

“Both?”

“Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the plant and get some work done.”

A computer without Windows is like a chocolate cake without mustard.