Office Jokes

Q. What’s the difference between a lawyer and a sperm?

A. The sperm has a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being!!

Two members of a country club, one a doctor, the other a lawyer, were having dinner in the lounge overlooking the golf course.

Midway through the meal, a lady who was a patient of the doctor, left her table and came over to the doctor.

“I’m sorry to interrupt your dinner, Doctor,” said the woman, “but I’ve had a terrible headache all day.”

“Well,” said the doctor, “I can’t really say what the problem is offhand, but you should go home, take a couple of aspirin, and go to bed. If it isn’t gone in the morning, call my office for an appointment.”

The woman thanked him and went back to her table. The doctor turned to his friend, the lawyer, and said, “Do you think I should send her a bill?”

“No,” said the lawyer.

The next day, a courier brought a bill to the doctor from the lawyer.

A new assessment exercise…

Does your organization struggle with the problem of properly fitting people to jobs? Here is a handy hint for ensuring success in job placement.

Take the prospective employees you are trying to place and put them in a room with only a table and two chairs. Leave them alone for two hours, without any instruction. At the end of that time, go back and see what they are doing.

If they have taken the table apart in that time, put them in Engineering.

If they are counting the butts in the ashtray, assign them to Accounting.

If they are screaming and waving their arms, send them off to Manufacturing.

If they are talking to the chairs, Personnel is a good spot for them.

If they are sleeping, they are Management material.

If they are writing up the experience, send them to Tech Pubs.

If they don’t even look up when you enter the room, assign them to Security.

If they try to tell you it’s not as bad as it looks, send them to Marketing.

And if they’ve left early, put them in Sales.

Memo to: the Director
Subject: Letter of Recommendation

1> Bob Smith, an assistant programmer, can always be found
2> hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without
3> wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
4> thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
5> finishes given assignments on time. Often Bob takes extended
6> measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping
7> coffee breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
8> vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
9> knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
10> classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be
11> dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
12> promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
13> sent away as soon as possible.
- TLP
Project Leader
(Later that afternoon another memo was sent…)

Memo to: the Director
Subject: Letter of Recommendation

Sorry about that earlier memo, Bob was reading over my shoulder as I wrote it. Kindly read every other line (i.e. 1, 3, 5, 7…) for my true assessment of him.
Regards,
TLP
Project Leader

Follow these directions exactly!

Does Bill Gates have a problem we don’t know about??
Or does he actually has a sense of humour..??

1. Open a new document in WORD
2. Type “Unable to follow directions” (without the quotes)
3. Highlight the entire sentence you just typed
4. Click Tools; Thesaurus (or hit shift-F7 to open the thesaurus)and then read out the result…