Office Jokes

Memo To: All Employees
Subject: New Policies

Sick Days:

We will no longer accept a doctor’s statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Surgery:

Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

Bereavement Leave:

This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives, or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases, where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave 1 hour early, provided your share of the work is enough to keep the job going in your absence.

Your Own Death:

This will be accepted as an approved excuse. However, we do require at least 2 weeks advance notice, as it is your duty to train your replacement.

Rest Room Use:

Entirely too much time is being spent in the restrooms. Therefore, in the future all employees will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, those whose names begin with ‘A’ will go from 8:00 to 8:10, employees whose names begin with ‘B’ will go from 8:10 to 8:20, and so on. If you’re unable to go at your time,
it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your time comes again. In extreme emergencies, employees may swap their time with another co-worker. However, both employee supervisors must approve this exchange in writing. In addition, there is now a strict 3 minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of 3 minutes, an alarm will sound,
the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door will
open.

Paycheck Guide:

The following guide has been prepared to help our employees better understand their paychecks.

Example: Gross pay $1,222.02

Income tax 244.40
Outcome tax 45.21
State tax 11.61
Interstate tax 61.10
County tax 6.11
City tax 12.22
Rural tax 4.44
Back tax 1.11
Front tax 1.16
Side tax 1.61
Up tax 2.22
Tic-tacs 1.98
Thumbtacks 3.93
Carpet tacks .98
Stadium tax .69
Flat tax 8.32
Surtax 3.46
Corporate tax 2.60
Parking fee 5.00
FICA 81.88
TGIF fund 9.95
Life insurance 5.85
Health insurance 16.23
Dental insurance 4.50
Mental insurance 4.33
Reassurance .11
Disability 2.50
Ability .25
Liability 3.41
Unreliability 10.99
Coffee 6.85
Coffee cups 66.51
Floor rental 6.85
Chair rental .32
Desk rental 4.32
Union dues 5.85
Union don’ts 3.77
Cash advance .69
Cash retreats 121.35
Overtime 1.26
Undertime 54.83
Eastern time 9.00
Central time 8.00
Mountain time 7.00
Pacific time 6.00
Oxygen 10.02
Water 16.54
Heat 51.42
Cool air 26.83
Hot air 20.00
Miscellaneous 113.29
Various 8.01

Net Pay $0.12

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience.

All questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations,
accusations, comtemplations, consternations, or input should be directed elsewhere. Have a nice week.

A magazine recently ran a “Dilbert quotes” contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real life managers. Here are the Top 12 finalists:

1. As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks.(This was the winning quote from Fred Dales at Microsoft Corp. in Redmond, WA.)

2. What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter. (Lykes Lines Shipping)

3. E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used ONLY for company business.(Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)

4. This project is so important, we can’t let things that are more important interfere with it. (Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)

5. Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We’ve been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I’ll let you know when it’s time to tell them. (R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)

6. My Boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she couldn’t edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected.(CIO of Dell Computers)

7. Quote from the Boss: “Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say.” (Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)

8. My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, “That would be better for me.” (Shipping executive, FTD Florists)

9. “We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees.” (Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)

10. We recently received a memo from senior management saying: “This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the subject mentioned above.”(Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division)

11. One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said, “If I’d wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!” (New business manager Hallmark Greeting Cards.)

12. As director of communications, I was asked to prepare a memo reviewing our company’s training programs and materials. In the body of the memo in one of the sentences I mentioned the “pedagogical approach” used by one of the training manuals. The day after I routed the memo to the executive committee, I was called into the HR Director’s office, and told that the executive vice president wanted me out of the building by lunch. When I asked why, I was told that she wouldn’t stand for perverts (pedophiles) working in her company. Finally, he showed me her copy of the memo, with her demand that I be fired - and the word “pedagogical” circled in red. The HR manager was fairly reasonable, and once he looked the word up in his dictionary and made a copy of the definition to send back to her, he told me not to worry. He would take care of it. Two days later, a memo to the entire staff came out directing us that no words which could not be found in the local Sunday newspaper could be used in company memos. A month later, I resigned. In accordance with company policy, I created my resignation memo by pasting words together from the Sunday paper.(Taco Bell Corporation)

Commentary from a genius, which seems appropriate:

“Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the former. ” - Albert Einstein

Companies are changing by adding an “e” or an “i” to the beginning of their name as they go after Internet based business.

Vanna was right, it does pay to buy a vowel.

“How to Keep the Wackiness Alive in the Modern Workplace, Part I”
~~~~~~~~~~~~

Put a chair facing a printer, sit there all day and tell people you’re waiting for your document.

Arrive at a meeting late, say you’re sorry, but you didn’t have time for lunch, and you’re going to be nibbling during he meeting. During the meeting, eat 5 entire raw potatoes.

Insist that your e-mail address be “zena_goddess_of_fire@companyname.com”

Every time someone asks you to do something, ask him/her to sign a waiver.

Every time someone asks you to do something, ask him/her if s/he want fries with that.

Send email to yourself engaging yourself in an intelligent debate about the direction of one of your company’s products. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask him/her to settle the disagreement.

Page yourself over the intercom. (Don’t disguise your voice.)

Name all your pens and insist that meetings can’t begin until they’re all present.

Come to work in your pajamas.

Put a picture of your mother on your business card.

Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Always wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is a different gender than you are.)

Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names. “That’s a good point Sparky.” “No I’m sorry I’m going to have to disagree with you there, Chachi.”

Suggest that beer be put in the soda machine.

Include a piece of your children’s artwork as a cover page for all reports that you write. (If you don’t have children, draw stick figures yourself.)

Schedule meetings for 4:14 pm.

Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.

Volunteer to organize the company Christmas party. Hold it at McDonald’s Playland. Charge everyone $15 each.

Send e-mail to the rest of the company telling them what you’re doing. For example: “If anyone needs me, I’ll be in the bathroom.”

No matter what anyone asks you, reply “OK” while nodding.

Put your garbage can on your desk. Label it “IN.”

Plant a hedge around your cubicle.

Grow mold in your coffee cup.

Build models of the Seven Wonders of the World using empty soda cans.

Put on your headphones on whenever the boss comes into the office. Talk in a loud voice. Remove your headphones when he or she leaves.

When in conversation, no matter where you are in the office, mutter, “I think my phone is ringing” and leave. Go get a coffee.

Determine how many cups of coffee is “too many.”

~~~~~~~~~~~
How to Keep the Wackiness Alive in the Modern Workplace, Part 2

Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.

Compose all your e-mail in rhyming couplets.

Install a set of buttons and lights in the arm of your chair. Talk into your daytimer.

“Hi-lite” your shoes. Tell people that you haven’t lost your shoes since you did this.

Organize a carpool. Go to pick everyone up in a taxi.

E-mail nude GIFs (graphic image files) of yourself to your coworkers. Tell them you got them off the Internet.

Hang mistletoe over your desk. (Seasonal)

Include a personal note on every e-mail you send. “On a personal note, I’m feeling a bit tired and grumpy today.” “On a personal note, I’m pleased to announce that I got my highest score ever on Tetris last night.”

Bring in dishes that you tried to cook but didn’t turn out quite right as special treats for your co-workers.

While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in “Palmolive.”

Put up mosquito netting around your cubicle.

Decorate your office with pictures of Cindy Brady and Danny Partridge. Try to pass them off as your children.

For a relaxing break, get away from it all with a mask and snorkel in the fish tank. If no one notices, take out your snorkel and see how many you can catch in your mouth.

Send e-mail messages saying free pizza, free donuts, etc. in the lunchroom. When people complain that there was none, just lean back, pat your stomach, and say, “Oh you’ve got to be faster than that.” See how long it takes until the last person stops believing you. Then start planting pizzas, donuts, etc.

Secretly put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso. Watch the fireworks that will follow.

When you go to a party at somebody’s house, don’t automatically assume that the drinks are free. Ask, and ask often.

A Post Office worker at the main sorting office finds an unstamped, poorly hand-written envelope addressed to God.

He opens it and discovers it is from an elderly lady, distressed because some thief robbed her of 100 dollars. She will be cold and hungry for the rest of the month if she doesn’t receive some divine intervention.

The worker organizes a collection amongst the other postal workers, who dig deep and come up with 96 dollars. They get it to her by special courier the same morning.

A week later, the same postal worker recognizes the same hand writing on another envelope. He opens it and reads:

“Dear God. Thank you for the 100 dollars. This month would have been so bleak otherwise.

P.S. It was four dollars short but that was probably those thieving bastards at the Post Office!”