Office Jokes

Mr. Swiller was known far and wide as a hard-nose boss who watched his employees like a hawk. He was making one of his regular tours of the factory when he spotted a young man leaning against a pile of boxes just outside the foreman’s office. Since George, the foreman, wasn’t around, Swiller stood off to the side and watched to see just how long the young man would stand around doing nothing.

The young man yawned, scratched his head, looked at his watch, and sat on the floor. Then he stretched, yawned again, and leaned back on the pile of boxes.

Swiller stepped from his hiding place and walked up to the young man. “You!” he boomed. “How much do you make a week?”

The young man looked up indifferently. “$250,” he said.

Swiller swooped into the cashier’s office, took $250 from the cash box, and returned. “Take it,” he said, “and get out! Don’t let me see you around here again!”

The young man took the cash, put it in his pocket, and left.

Swiller snorted at his lack of response, embarrassment, or any other feeling. Then he went looking for George. When he found him, Swiller was red with anger. “That idler in front of your office,” Swiller said. “I just gave him a week’s pay and fired him. What’s the matter with you, allowing him to just stand around like that as though he had nothing to do?”

“You mean the kid in the red shirt? He was waiting for the $20 we owe him for lunch,” George said. “He works for the coffee shop around the corner.”

1. It’s an incentive to show up.
2. It reduces stress.
3. It leads to more honest communication.
4. It reduces complaints about low pay.
5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.
6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.
7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.
8. It encourages carpooling.
9. Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job you don’t care.
10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
11. It makes fellow employees look better.
12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.
14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
15. Suddenly, farting during a meeting isn’t so embarrassing.
16. No one will remember your strip tease act at the last Christmas party.

Microsoft has announced that Win98 will be released with a suggested retail price of $109US. Inside sources have been able to determine the cost of each of the Win98 “features”:

$1 - Disk Defragmenter Optimization Wizard
$1 - Windows System Update
$1 - System File Checker Utility
$1 - Windows Tune-Up Wizard
$1 - Dr. Watson Utility
$1 - New Backup Utility
$1 - New Accessibility Tools
$1 - FAT32
$1 - Windows 98 HelpDesk
$1 - System Troubleshooter
$1 - System Information Utility
$1 - Broadcast Architecture
$1 - Misc. Hardware Support
$1 - Multiple Display Support
$1 - IrDA Support
$1 - PCMCIA Support
$1 - ActiveMovie
$1 - MMX Support
$1 - Easier Setup
$1 - Faster Shutdown
$1 - Integrated Shell
$1 - Improved Dial-Up Networking
$1 - Browser Enhancements
$1 - Channels
$1 - Additional Internet Tools
$1 - Support for PPTP
$1 - WDM, Windows System Update, and Windows Scripting Host
$82 - Retain the Blue Screen of Death

You have had you tech job for too long if:

1)You know all your co-worker’s IP addresses but forget their names

2)You know co-worker’s ICQ # but havent seen them face to face in over a month

3)You send an email as URGENT rather than walking down the hall to talk to the person.

4)You would rather use your breaks to surf the web instead of getting out of your chair

5)You check your email more than 10 times an hour.

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft’s electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter’s position and course to steer to the airport.

The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign, and held it in the helicopter’s window. The pilot’s sign said “WHERE AM I?” in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window.

Their sign said “YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER OVER SEATTLE.” The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely.

After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the “YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER” sign helped determine their position.

The pilot responded “I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building because, similar to their help-lines, they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer.”