Office Jokes

Bill Gates dies and goes to hell. Satan greets him:

“Welcome Mr Gates, we’ve been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. You’ve been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life.

I’ll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you’ll be locked up forever.”

Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured.

He then takes him to a massive coliseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions.

Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a beautiful young blonde with an alluring look on her face, sitting at a table on which there is a bottle of the finest wine.

To Bill’s delight, he sees a PC in the corner. Without hesitation, Bill says, “I’ll take this option.”

“Fine,” says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room.
Satan locks the room after Bill. As he turns around, he bumps into Lucifer.

“That was Bill Gates!” cried Lucifer. “Why did you give
him the best place of all !”

“That’s what everyone thinks” snickered Satan. “The bottle has a hole in it and the girl hasn’t!”

“What about the PC?”

“It’s got Windows 95!” laughed Satan. “And it’s missing three keys…”

“Which three?”

“Control, Alt and Delete!”

To: All Employees

In the past, employees have been permitted to make trips to the restroom under informal guidelines, resulting in loss of employee time and production.

Effective January 5, 1986, a Restroom Trip Policy (RTP) will be established to provide a consistent and precise method of accounting for each employee’s restroom time, as well as ensuring equal time for each employee.

Under this policy, a Restroom Trip Bank (RTB) will be established for each employee. The first day of each month, employees will be given twenty (20) Restroom Trip Tickets (RTT’S). These tickets can be accumulated from month to month for future use.

Currently, the entrances to all restrooms are being equipped with personnel identification stations and computer-linked voice print recognition. During the next three weeks, each employee must provide two copies of voice prints (one normal and one under extreme stress) to the Human Resource Department. The voice print recognition stations will be operational, but not restrictive, for the month of February. Employees should acquaint themselves with the stations during the month.

If an employee’s Restroom Trip Bank (RTB) reaches zero, none of the doors to the restrooms will open for that employee’s voice print, no matter how loud you yell or holler, until the first of the following month. In addition, all restroom stalls are being equipped with timer paper roll retractors. If the stall is occupied for more than one minute, an alarm will sound. Thirty seconds after the alarm sounds, the roll of paper in the wall will retract, the toilet will flush and the stall door will fly open. If the employee is not out of the stall within three minutes, a general building alarm will sound and the Security Guards will appear, with weapons drawn, to escort the employee to a formal Hearing. At this time, any RTT’S the employee may have left will be forfeited to Security.

A suspension of RTT’S will become necessary for a period of three months after the second offense. In the event of a third offense, all restroom privileges will be permanently
suspended, and you’re on your own.

PLEASE REFER ANY QUESTIONS YOU MAY HAVE REGARDING THE NEW POLICY TO YOUR IMMEDIATE SUPERVISOR.

A drunk walks into a bar and orders a large beer. After a few moments he stands up and yells, “Attorney’s are assholes.”

From the back of the room, another drunk stands up and says, “I resent that”.

The first drunk says, “Are you an attorney?”

The second drunk says, “No, I’m an asshole.”

A manager of a company was told that he needed to cut back on the number of employees in a certain office.
He felt horrible about this but knew that the two most expendable employees he had were Amy and Jack. He couldn’t decide which of the two empoyees to fire, so he divised this plan. Whichever person he saw walk to the water dispenser first the next morning he would have to fire.
Well it turns out that Amy walked over to the water dispenser so she could take some asprin. The manager walked over and said to her, “Well Amy I’m really sorry, but I have to either lay you or Jack off.”
Amy replied, “Well, I have a killer headache today, so could you just take care of yourself this time?”

Sing this to the tune of the Beatles’ “Let It Be” :

When I find my code in tons of trouble,
Friends and colleagues come to me,
Speaking words of wisdom:
Write in C.

As the deadline fast approaches,
And bugs are all that I can see,
Somewhere, someone whispers:
Write in C.

Write in C, Write in C,
Write in C, oh, Write in C.
LOGO’s dead and buried,
Write in C.

I used to write a lot of FORTRAN,
For science it worked flawlessly.
Try using it for graphics!
Write in C.

If you’ve just spent nearly 30 hours,
Debugging some assembly,
Soon you will be glad to
Write in C.

Write in C, Write in C,
Write in C, yeah, Write in C.
BASIC’s not the answer.
Write in C.

Write in C, Write in C
Write in C, oh, Write in C.
Pascal won’t quite cut it.
Write in C.