Office Jokes

You must first remove the plastic cover. By doing so you agree to accept and honor Microsoft rights to all TV dinners. You may not give anyone else a bite of your dinner (which would constitute an infringement of Microsoft’s rights). You may, however, let others smell and look at your dinner and are encouraged to tell them how good it is.

If you have a PC microwave oven, insert the dinner into the oven. Set the oven using these keystrokes: \mstv.dinn.//08.5min@50%heat// Then enter: ,ms//start.cook_dindin/yummy\|/yum~yum:-)goheat#cookme.

If you have a Mac oven, insert the dinner and press start. The oven will set itself and cook the dinner.

If you have a Unix oven, insert the dinner, enter the ingredients of the dinner (found on the label), the weight of the dinner, and the desired level of cooking and press start. The oven will calculate the time and heat and cook the dinner exactly to your specification.

Be forewarned that Microsoft dinners may crash, in which case your oven must be restarted. This is a simple procedure. Remove the dinner from the oven and enter
Many users have reported that the dinner tray is far too big, larger than the dinner itself, having many useless compartments, most of which are empty. These are for future menu items. If the tray is too large to fit in your oven you will need to upgrade your equipment.

Dinners are only available from registered outlets, and only the chicken variety is currently produced. If you want another variety, call Microsoft Help and they will explain that you really don’t want another variety. Microsoft Chicken is all you really need.

Microsoft has disclosed plans to discontinue all smaller versions of their chicken dinners. Future releases will only be in the larger family size. Excess chicken may be stored for future use, but must be saved only in Microsoft approved packaging.

Microsoft promises a dessert with every dinner after ‘99. However, that version has yet to be released. Users have permission to get thrilled in advance.

Microsoft dinners may be incompatible with other dinners in the freezer, causing your freezer to self-defrost. This is a feature, not a bug. Your freezer probably should have been defrosted anyway.

So there was this man who was quite capable, and was looking for a job. His only problem was, …. ….well he didn’t have (ahem..) .. balls- which bothered him a lot.

Finally he got a job in a Govt office. When his boss found about his handicap, he not only consoled him but told him that though the office timings are 9:30 AM to 5:30 PM, but he may come at 11:00 AM, which he accepted gladly, without bothering to ask the reason of this generosity.

A few days down the line, his colleagues went up to the boss. “Sir, this is unfair. Just because he doesn’t have balls, he is given a privilege to come at 11:00 !!”

Boss: “Listen guys, there is no injustice, this is Govt. office, and I don’t want him sitting idle for one hour by asking him to come at 9:30.”

Staff: “Meaning?”

Boss: “See you guys are officially supposed to come at 9:30, but you come at 10:00, right?”

Staff: - silent -

Boss: “Then again from 10:00 to 11:00, what do you do ? - scratch your balls - right. What will he do ??”

There was an engineer who died and went to heaven. God says, “No, you’re not supposed to be here. You have to go to hell.” So the guy goes to hell and sees the devil.

The engineer says to the Devil, “You know what, you need an air conditioner down here.” So the Devil says “You know what, you are right.” So the engineer installs an air conditioner in Hell.

The next day the engineer says “You need an escalator down here”, so the Devil says “You are right, why don’t you put one in.” The engineer puts in the escalator.

A couple of weeks later God calls down to the Devil to see if everything is going well and if it is hot enough. The Devil says, “No it’s not hot, we have an air conditioner and an escalator now.”

God says “How did you get all that?” The Devil says “You sent us an engineer.” God says “Well send him back up here.” The Devil says “No.”

God says “Send him back or I will sue you.”

The Devil says “GOOD LUCK FINDING A LAWYER.”

The latest terms to add to your vocabulary in the Y2K office environment:

* Seagull Manager - A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps over everything and then leaves.

* Salmon day - The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.

* Chainsaw consultant - An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee head count, leaving the brass with clean hands.

* CLM - Career Limiting Move - Used among microserfs to describe ill-advised activity. Trashing your boss while he or she is within earshot is a serious CLM.

* Adminisphere - The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.

* Dilberted - To be exploited and oppressed by your boss. Derived from the experiences of Dilbert, the geek-in-hell comic strip character. “I’ve been dilberted again. The old man revised the specs for the fourth time this week.”

* Flight Risk - Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave the company or department soon.

* 404 - Someone who’s clueless. From the World Wide Web error message “404 Not Found,” meaning that the requested document could not be located. Used as in: “Don’t bother asking him … he’s 404, man.”

* Generica - Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, subdivisions. Used as in: “We were so lost in generica that I forgot what city we were in.”

* Ohno-second - That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you’ve just made a BIG mistake.

* Percussive Maintenance - The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

* Umfriend - A sexual relation of dubious standing or a concealed intimate relationship, as in “This is , my … um … friend.”

* Cube Farm: An office filled with cubicles.

* Idea Hamsters: People who always seem to have their idea generators running.

* Mouse Potato: The on-line, wired generation’s answer to the couch potato.

Problem Flow Chart
1. Does it work?

2. If “Yes” go to 4.

3. If “No” go to 6.

4. Leave it alone. Do not touch it. Go to 5.

5. No problem.

6. Did you touch it?

7. If “Yes” go to 9.

8. If “No” go to 10

9. YOU IDIOT!!! Go to 13.

10. Will you get into trouble?

11. If “Yes” go to 18.

12. If “No” go to 16.

13. Does anyone else know?

14. If “Yes” go to 18.

15. If “No” go to 17.

16. Pass the buck. Go to 5.

17. Hide it. Go to 5.

18. YOU POOR CREATURE!