Office Jokes

Smart man + smart woman =romance
Smart man + dumb woman =affair
Dumb man + smart woman =marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman =pregnancy

Smart boss + smart employee =profit
Smart boss + dumb employee =production
Dumb boss + smart employee =promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee =overtime

Mike Tyson Virus
quits after one byte

The Ellen Degeneres Virus
your IBM suddenly claims it’s a MAC

Titanic Virus
makes your whole computer go down

Disney Virus
everything in the computer goes Goofy

Prozac Virus
screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn’t care

Kevorkian Virus
searches your hard drive for old files and deletes them

Oprah Winfrey Virus
your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands to 300MB

AT&T Virus
every 3 minutes it tells you what great service you are getting

MCI Virus
every 3 minutes it reminds you that you’re paying too much for the AT&T Virus

Bill Clinton Statue Committee
1040 Buffoon Street
Little Rock, AR 72205

Dear Friend:

We have the distinguished honor of being on the committee for raising 5 million dollars for placing a statue of Bill Clinton in the hall of fame in Washington, DC.

This committee was in a quandary as to where to place the statue.

It was not wise to place it beside George Washington, who never told a lie, nor beside Jesse Jackson, who never told the truth, since Bill Clinton could never tell the difference.

We finally decided to place it next to Christopher Columbus, the greatest Democrat of all. He left not knowing where he was going, did not know where he was, and returned, not knowing where he had been, doing it all on borrowed money.

5,000 years ago Moses said, “Pack up your camel, pick up your shovel, move your ass, and I will lead you to the promised land.”

5,000 years later, FDR said, “Lay down your shovel, sit on your ass, light up a Camel; this is the promised land.”

This year, Bill Clinton will steal your shovel, kick your ass, raise the price of Camels, and mortgage the promised land.

If you are one of the fortunate people who has anything left after paying taxes, we expect a generous contribution to this worthwhile project.

Fraternally,

Bill Clinton Statue Committee

10. When you find a voodoo doll hanging in the breakroom that looks exactly like you.

9. When you fire an employee and he/she smiles and says “I’ll be back in a minute.”

8. If you find a “get-a-free-hair-cut-while-you-shower” coupon on your dest.

7. When you find framed pictures on the memo board of deranged postal workers.

6. When everyone swears it was a mistake in holding your birthday party at a demolition site.

5. When your employees buys a newspaper daily, turns to the death section, and soon as you walk in you hear “Damn”.

4. When someone has replaced your old coffee creamer with a can that just says “Creamer” in a black and white can that has a large X and a picture of skeleton head over it.

3. When you find explosives on the office supply list.

2. When your Sales Rep. for IBM comes to work dressed in camouflage gear and combat boots.

1. When you fire an employee for excessive tardiness and he/she comes in the next morning 2 hours early.

Things to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk:

“They told me at the blood bank this might happen.”

“This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to.

“Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper”

“I wasn’t sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!”

“This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!”

“Wasn’t sleeping. Was trying to pick up my contact lens without my hands.”

“I was actually doing a “Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan” (SLEEP) I learned at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend.

“Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem.”

And the #1 best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk:

1.”…Amen”