Office Jokes

Sing this to the tune of John Lennon’s song “Imagine” :

Imagine there’s no Windows,
It’s easy if you try.
No fatal errors or new bugs
To kill your hard drives.
Imagine Mr. Bill Gates
Leaving us in peace!

Imagine neverending hard disks,
It isn’t hard to do.
Nothing to del or wipe off
And no floppy too
Imagine Mr. Bill Gates
Sharing all his money.

You may say I’m a hacker,
But I’m not the only one.
I hope someday you’ll join us
And your games will fit in RAM

Imagine 1-Giga RAM
I wonder if you can.
No need for left-shifts or setups
And no booting again and again.
Imagine all the systems
Working all life-time!

You may say I’m a hacker,
But I’m not the only one.
Maybe someday I’ll be a cracker
And then I’ll make Windows run.

In the Beginning was the plan.
And then came the assumptions.
And the assumptions were without form.
And the plan was completely without substance.

And the darkness was upon the face of the workers.
And they spoke among themselves saying: “It is a crock of shit, and it stinketh.”

And the workers went unto their supervisors, and sayeth: “It is a pail of dung, and none can abide the odor Thereof”

And the supervisors went unto their managers and sayeth unto them, “It is a container of excrement, and it is very strong, Such that none can abide it.”

And the managers went unto the directors and sayeth, “It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none can abide its strength.”

And the directors spoke amongst themselves, saying one to another: “It contains that which aids plant growth, and is very strong.”

And the directors went unto the vice presidents and sayeth to them, “It promotes growth, and is very powerful.”

And the vice presidents went unto the president, and sayeth unto him, “This new plan will actively promote growth and efficiency of this company, and certain areas in particular.”

And the president looked upon the plan, and saw that it was good.

And the plan became policy.
And this is how shit happens.

Take a beer and send the truck to all of your friends!!!!!!

12. “Do you have a sledgehammer or a brick handy?”

11. “…that’s right, not even McGyver could fix it.”

10. “So — what are you wearing?”

9. “Duuuuuude! Bummer!”

8. “Looks like you’re gonna need some new dilythium crystals, Cap’n.”

7. “Press 1 for Support. Press 2 if you’re with 60 Minutes. Press 3 if you’re with the FTC.”

6. “We can fix this, but you’re gonna need a butter knife, a roll of duct tape, and a car battery.”

5. “I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”

4. “In layman’s terms, we call that the Hindenburg Effect.”

3. “Hold on a second… Mom! Timmy’s hitting me!”

2. “Okay, turn to page 523 in your copy of Dianetics.”

and the Number 1 Thing You Don’t Want to Hear From Tech Support…

1. “Please hold for Mr. Gates’ attorney.”

A high level executive sits at a local bar one night and orders a drink. Out of the corner of his eye, the bartender notices the man speaking in to the palm of his hand, as if he were giving orders to a secretary.

“Who were you talking to?” the bartender asks the executive, thinking the man was having a breakdown.

The executive stretches out his left hand and shows the bartender a cellphone keyboard encrusted into his left hand. “It’s the latest in technology”, the executive explained, “I had a cellphone encrusted in my left hand-now i don’t have to worry about leaving it at home or in the office anymore. I’ll show you.”

The executive asks the bartender his home phone number and proceeds to dial. Much to his amazement, the bartender’s wife was at the other end of the line. “Wow!”, said the bartender to his amazement and continued working.

Later that evening, the bartender noticed the executive went into the bathroom and had not come out in half an hour. Worried something had gone wrong, he ventured in after the executive. Much to his surprise, the executive was completely naked against the wall while clenching a roll of toilet paper between his buttcheeks.

“What’s wrong!?” the bartender shouted.

“Oh nothing”, said the executive, “I’ve just been waiting for a fax from my secretary for the past half hour!”