Office Jokes

I can’t come in to work today because I’ll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?

When I got up this morning, I took two Ex-lax in addition to my Prozac. I can’t get off the john, but I feel good about it.

I can’t come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter transportation.

If it is all the same to you I won’t be coming in to work. The voices told me to clean all the guns today.

I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet….

Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.

I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn’t come to work, knowing my employee records may now contain false information.

The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won’t bite things when I am startled.

The dog ate my car keys. We’re going to hitchhike to the vet.

I prefer to remain an enigma.

I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was able to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity of the power source exactly elog (pi) on all the clocks in the house while simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled up Times. Accordingly, I will be in late, or early.

A small company was on the edge of bankruptcy. The owner summoned his two-man sales force into his office.

“Things aren’t going too well, guys,” he announced grimly.
“So to perk up sales I’m announcing a contest. The guy with the most sales gets a blow job.”

“What does the loser get?” asked one of the salesmen.

The owner looked at both men and said, “The loser gets
to give it.”

Top 10 Signs You’re Burnt Out…

10. You’re so tired you now answer the phone, “Hell.” 9. You’re best friend calls to ask how you’ve been and you immediately scream, “Get off by back, BITCH!”
8. Your garbage can is you’re “in” box
7. You wake up to discover that your bed is on fire, but go back to sleep because you just don’t care
6. You have so much on you’re mind that you’ve forgotten how to pee
5. Visions of the upcoming weekend help you make it through Monday
4. You sleep more at work than you do at home
3. You leave for a party and instinctively bring your briefcase
2. Your day-timer exploded a week ago
1. You think about how relaxing it would be if you were in jail right now