Office Jokes

A group of managers were given the assignment to measure the height of a flagpole. So, they go out to the flagpole with ladders and tape measures. Soon, they’re falling off the ladders, dropping the tape measures…the whole thing is just a mess.

An engineer comes along and sees what they’re trying to do. He casually pulls the flagpole out of the ground, lays it down on the ground, and measures it from end to end. Then he gives the measurement to one of the managers and walks away.

After the engineer has gone, one manager turns to the other and laughs, “Isn’t that just like an engineer…we’re looking for the height and he gives us the length!”

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: “Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?”

The man below says: “yes you’re in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field.”

“You must work in Information Technology” says the balloonist.

“I do” replies the man. How did you know.”

“Well” says the balloonist, “everything you have told me is technically correct, but it’s no use to anyone.”

The man below says “you must work in business.”

“I do” replies the balloonist, “but how did you know?”

“Well”, says the man, “you don’t know where you are, or where you’re going, but you expect me to be able to help. You’re in the same position you were before we met, but now it’s my fault.”

Ever look at the Help Wanted ads and wonder what they REALLY mean? Here is our guide to Job Search Lingo:

“Competitive Salary”
We remain competitive by paying you less than our competition.

“Join our fast-paced company”
We have no time to train you.

“Casual work atmosphere”
We don’t pay enough to expect that you will dress up; a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.

“Some overtime required”
Some every night and some every weekend.

“Duties will vary”
Anyone in the office can boss you around.

“Must have an eye for detail”
We have no quality assurance.

“Career-minded”
Female applicants must be childless (and remain that way).

“Apply in person”
If you’re old, fat or ugly, you’ll be told that the position has been filled.

“Seeking candidates with a wide variety of experience”
You’ll need it to replace the three people who just quit.

“Problem-solving skills a must”
You’re walking into perpetual chaos.

“Requires team leadership skills”
You’ll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

“Good communication skills”
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.

The other side of the coin ….

Phrases for you to use in an interview:

“I’m extremely adept at all manner of office organization”
I’ve used Microsoft Office.

“I’m honest, hard-working and dependable”
I pilfer office supplies.

“I take pride in my work”
I blame others for any mistakes.

“I’m personable”
I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.

“I am very adaptable”
I’ve changed jobs a lot.

“I am constantly on the go”
I’m never at my desk.

“I’m highly motivated to succeed”
The minute I find a better job, I’m outta here.

The Lord spoke to Noah and said, “I’m very angry with the way things are going on earth — this is not what I had in mind! I have accordingly decided to destroy it and start over! In 6 months I’m going to make it rain until the whole earth is covered with water just like before, and all the evil is destroyed; if not, I will wring it out like an old sponge. But rather than start from scratch, I’m still considering saving a few good people, and two of every kind of living thing on the planet. So I’m ordering you to build an Ark for this purpose.” And with a flash of lightning, He delivered the specs for an Ark.

“Yes Lord!” said Noah, trembling in fear and fumbling with the blueprints.

“Don’t forget!” thundered God’s voice, “In 6 months it starts to rain! You’d better have that Ark built or learn to tread water, indefinitely!”.

Six months passed. The skies began to cloud up and rain began to fall. The Lord saw that Noah was just sitting out in his yard in the rain, weeping. There was no sign of an Ark. “Noah!” shouted the Lord through the thunder and lightning, “Where is my Ark?!”

A sobbing Noah answered, “Lord, please forgive me! I did my best, but there were BIG problems. First I had to get a Building Permit for the Ark, and your plans didn’t meet the code. So I had to hire an engineer to re-draw the plans. You know how that goes.

“Then there was a huge upset about whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system. My neighbors objected, claiming I was violating zoning by building an Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city council!

“Then, I couldn’t get enough wood for the Ark because some earth-sanctifying organizations have instigated a ban on cutting trees in order to save the spotted numbat. I had to convince the Department of Conservation and Land Management that I needed the wood so I could save the numbats; it was the only way out. But then they wouldn’t let me catch any numbats! So, no numbats.

“Then the carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the Industrial Relations Commission before anyone would pick up a saw or a hammer. Now we have 16 carpenters going on the boat, but how am I to pay them? And still no numbats!

“When I realized the building of the Ark was stalled, I thought I could at least start gathering up pairs of animals, but I promptly got sued by an animal rights group. They insisted if the threat was real, I had to save ALL the animals, not just one pair of each. I just got that suit dismissed when the EPA notified me I couldn’t use the Ark, without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn’t take kindly to the idea that they have no jurisdiction over the conduct of a Supreme Being that none of them personally knows to exist.

“Then the Royal Australian Army wanted a map of the proposed new flood plain. I sent them a globe. They returned it with a note that read, ‘As any fool can see, water will NOT adhere to a round globe; it will fall off.’

“Right now, I’m trying to resolve a complaint from the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission over how many Croatians I’m supposed to hire. Most of them are involved in some kind of uprising. In the meantime, the IRS has seized all my assets, claiming I’m trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country, and I just received a nasty notice from some state agency about owing them some kind of ‘use’ tax.

“I really don’t see any way I can finish your Ark for at least another five years!” Noah wailed. “Dear God, do you have a solution?”

Suddenly, the sky cleared! The sun came out! A rainbow arched across the heavens! Noah looked up and sighed with relief. “You mean you’re not going to destroy the earth after all?”

“No,” replied the Lord, “the government is doing it just fine, without any help from Me.”

Miss Jones was involved in an affair with her boss, Mr. Smith. Unfortunately, the relationship had reached the point where Miss Jones felt that she was simply being used as a girl toy, so she found a new job and went to tell her boss that she was quitting.

“Mr. Smith,” she said, “I’ve found a new position.”

Mr. Smith replied, “Great, let’s try it!”