Office Jokes

This memo is to announce the development of a new software system which will be Year 2000 compliant.

This program is known as “Millennium Year Application Software System” (MYASS).

Next Monday there will be a meeting in which I will show MYASS to everyone.

We will hold demonstrations throughout the month so that all employees will have an opportunity to get a good look at MYASS.

We have not addressed networking aspects yet, so currently only one person at a time can use MYASS.

This restriction will be removed after MYASS expands.

Some employees have begun using the program already. This morning I walked into a subordinate’s office and was not surprised to find that she had her nose buried in MYASS.

Some of the less technical people may be somewhat afraid of MYASS. Last week my secretary said to me, “I’m a little nervous, I never put anything in MYASS before.”

I helped her through the first time and afterward she admitted that it was relatively painless and she was actually looking forward to doing it again, and was even ready to kiss MYASS.

There have been concerns over the virus that was found in MYASS upon initial installation, but the virus has been eliminated and we were able to save MYASS. In the future, however, protection will be required prior to entering MYASS.

This database will encompass all information associated with the business. As you begin using the program, feel free to put anything you want in MYASS.

As MYASS grows larger, we envision a time when it will be commonplace for a supervisor to hand work to an employee and say, “here, stick this in MYASS.”

It will be a great day when we need data quickly and our employees can respond, “Here it is, I just pulled it out of MYASS.”

Subject: phrases you wish you could say at work

1. Ahhh…I see the fuck-up fairy has visited us again…

2. I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronounce.

3. How about never? Is never good for you?

4. I see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

5. I’m really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.

6. I’ll try being nicer if you’ll try being smarter.

7. I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message…

8. I don’t work here. I’m a consultant.

9. It sounds like English, but I can’t understand a word you’re saying.

10. I can see your point, but I still think you’re full of shit.

11. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

13. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don’t give a damn.

14. I’m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

16. Thank you. We’re all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

17. The fact that no one understands you doesn’t mean you’re an artist.

18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely
coincidental.

19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?

20. I’m not being rude. You’re just insignificant.

21. It’s a thankless job, but I’ve got a lot of Karma to burn off.

22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

23. No, my powers can only be used for good.

24. You sound reasonable… Time to up the medication.

25. Who me? I just wander from room to room

TODAY’S BUSINESS WRITING TIP:

In writing proposals to prospective clients, be sure to clearly state the benefits they will receive:

WRONG: “I sincerely believe that it is to your advantage to accept this proposal.”

RIGHT: “I have photographs of you naked with a squirrel.”

How about never? Is never good for you?

I see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

Someday, we’ll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.

Thank you. We’re all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronounce.

Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?

I’m not being rude. You’re just insignificant.

I’m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

Ahhh…I see the “Fuck-up Fairy” has visited us again…

I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

It’s a thankless job, but I’ve got a lot of Karma to burn off.

No, my powers can only be used for good.

I’m really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.

You sound reasonable…Time to up my medication.

I’ll try being nicer if you’ll try being smarter.

I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message…

I don’t work here. I’m a consultant.

Who me? I just wander from room to room.

My toys! My toys! I can’t do this job without my toys!

It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m really quite busy.

At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.

If you hire me, I’ll tell you.

The following are real messages to the in-house Tech Support E-mail system.

From Yesterday:
Hi, I seem t;o be having a p9ro;bl/em with my keyb;oard. co;ul/d yo;u co;me up9 and hel/-p9 me o;ut? Thanks,

From Today:
Soe of the keys that didnt work yesterday are working today ut soe still arent working at all I would tell you which ones they are ut I think you can see for yourself I sorry to e such a pest ut I have to get soe reports done today so whenever you get a chance could you please coe up? Thanks