Office Jokes

EMPLOYEE PERFORMANCE EVALUATION

Employee Name _______________
Date of Review __________________

KNOWLEDGE:
1.____ The son-of-a-bitch really knows his shit

2.____ Knows only enough to be dangerous

3.____ Only has half a brain and is dangerous

4.____ Fucking brain damaged. His coffee cup has a higher I.Q.

ACCURACY:
1.____ Does excellent work; is not preoccupied with pussy

2.____ Pretty good; only occasionally blows it out his ass

3.____ Has to take his shoes off to count higher than ten

4.____ Couldn’t count his balls and get the same number twice

ATTITUDE:
1.____ Extremely cooperative (Kisses ass frequently)

2.____ Brown noser in poor standing

3.____ Often pisses off co-workers; thinks it’s his job

4.____ Doesn’t give a shit; never did, never will

RELIABILITY:
1.____ Really a dependable little cocksucker

2.____ Can rely on him at evaluation time

3.____ Can rely on him to be the first one out the fucking door

4.____ Totally fucking worthless

APPEARANCE:
1.____ Extremely neat; even combs his pubic hair

2.____ Looks great at evaluation time

3.____ Dirty, filthy, smelly son-of-a-bitch

4.____ Flies leave fresh dog shit to follow him

PERFORMANCE:
1.____ Goes like a son-of-a-bitch if there is money in it for him

2.____ Does OK around evaluation time

3.____ Works only if kicked in the ass every two minutes

4.____ Couldn’t do less work if he were in a coma

LEADERSHIP:
1.____ Carries chain saw and gets good results

2.____ Occasionally gets told to get fucked

3.____ Mother Theresa tells him to get fucked

4.____ Couldn’t lead a pack of hungry wolves to meat

————————————————————-

I understand that I have been evaluated and know my rights under the Privacy Act of 1969. I further acknowledge that I am as fucked up as a football bat and will attempt to correct my deficiences.

EMPLOYEE SIGNATURE X__________________________________________________

MANAGER SIGNATURE X__________________________________________________

The owner of a golf course in Alabama was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.

He called her into his office and said, “Ya’ll graduated from the University of Alabama. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?”

The secretary thought a moment, then replied, “Everything but my earrings.”

How to Lose Weight at Work Without Doing Much

Here’s the guide to calorie-burning activities and the number of calories per hour they consume.
Beating around the bush. . . . . . . . .75
Jumping to conclusions . . . . . . . . 100
Climbing the walls . . . . . . . . . . 150
Swallowing your pride. . . . . . . . . .50
Passing the buck . . . . . . . . . . . .25
Throwing your weight around (depending on your weight). ..50-300
Dragging your heels. . . . . . . . . . 100
Pushing your luck. . . . . . . . . . . 250
Making mountains out of molehills. . . 500
Hitting the nail on the head . . . . . .50
Wading through paperwork . . . . . . . 300
Bending over backwards . . . . . . . . 75
Jumping on the bandwagon . . . . . . . 200
Balancing the books. . . . . . . . . . .25
Running around in circles. . . . . . . 350
Eating crow. . . . . . . . . . . . . . 225
Tooting your own horn. . . . . . . . . .25
Climbing the ladder of success . . . . 750
Pulling out the stops. . . . . . . . . .75
Adding fuel to the fire. . . . . . . . 160
Wrapping it up at the day’s end. . . . .12

To which you may want to add your own favorite activities, including:
Opening a can of worms . . . . . . . . .50
Putting your foot in your mouth. . . . 300
Starting the ball rolling. . . . . . . .90
Going over the edge. . . . . . . . . . .25
Picking up the pieces after. . . . . . 350
Counting eggs before they hatch. . . . . 6
Calling it quits . . . . . . . . . . . . 2

While attending a party hosted by his boss, the “Life of the Party” had one drink too many and woke up with a nasty hang-over and no memory of last night’s party. So he asked his wife what happened at the party.

“As usual, you’ve made an ass of yourself before your boss,” said his wife with a smirk.

“Well, piss on him,” said the man defiantly.

“That you did and he fired you on the spot!” said the wife.

“Well, screw him!” said the man with some trepidation.

“That I did! You report to work in the morning.”

There is a new virus going around, called “work.” If you receive any sort of “work” at all, whether via e-mail, internet or simply handed to you by a colleague…DO NOT OPEN IT.

This has been circulating around our building for months and those who have been tempted to open “work” or even look at “work,” have found that their social life is deleted and their brain ceases to function properly.

If you do encounter “work” via e-mail or are faced with any “work” at all, then to purge the virus, send an e-mail to your boss with the words “I’ve had enough of your crap! I’m off to the pub.” The “work” should automatically be forgotten by your brain.

If you receive “work” in paper-document form, simply lift the document and drag the “work” to your garbage can. Put on your hat and coat and skip to the nearest bar with two friends and order three pints of beer (or rum punch). After repeating this action 14 times, you will find that “work” will no longer be of any relevance to you and that “Scooby Doo” was the greatest cartoon ever.

Send this message to everyone in your address book. If you do NOT have anyone in your address book, then I’m afraid the “work” virus has already corrupted your life.