Office Jokes

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young Engineer fresh out of MIT, “And what starting salary were you looking for?”

The Engineer said, “In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.”

The interviewer said, “Well, what would you say to a package
of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and
dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years say, a red Corvette?”

The Engineer sat up straight and said, “Wow! Are you
kidding?”

And the interviewer replied, “Yeah, but you started it.”

COMPUTER VIRUSES

Woody Allen Virus
Bypasses the motherboard and turns on a daughter card.

Tonya Harding Virus
Turns your BAT files into lethal weapons.

Paul Revere Virus
Warns of an impending virus infection: 1 if by LAN, 2 if by C:\.

Hillary Rodham Clinton Virus
Instantly turns 1 K of disk space into 1 Meg.

Ollie North Virus
Plays a patriotic WAV while it shreds your files.

Joey Buttafuoco Virus
Only attacks minor files.

Lorena Bobbit Virus
Your hard disc turns into a 3.5 floppy.

Ronald Reagan Virus
Saves your data, but forgets where it’s stored.

Jane Fonda Virus
Attacks your hard drive’s FAT.

Oprah Winfrey Virus
Your 200 MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80 MB, and then slowly expands to 300 MB.

AT&T Virus
Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.

MCI Virus
Every three minutes it reminds you that you’re paying too much for the AT&T Virus.

Politically Correct Virus
Never calls itself a “virus,” instead refers to itself as an
“electronic microorganism.”

Ross Perot Virus
Activates every component in your system, just before the whole darn thing quits.

Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus
Terminates and stays resident. It’ll be back.

Government Economist Virus
Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

Federal Bureaucrat Virus
Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.

Adam and Eve Virus
Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple computer.

Congressional Virus #1
The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.

Congressional Virus #2
Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously but doesn’t allow the user to accomplish anything.

Airline Virus
You’re in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.

Freudian Virus
Your computer becomes obsessed with its own motherboard. Or becomes very jealous of the size of your friend’s hard drive.

PBS Virus
Your computer stops every few minutes to ask for money.

Jimmy Hoffa Virus
Your programs can never be found again.

LAPD Virus
It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases them in “self-defense.”

An anxious woman goes to her doctor. “Doctor,” she asks nervously, “can you get pregnant from anal intercourse?”

“Certainly,” replies the doctor. “Where do you think lawyers come from?”

A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display. While he was there, another customer walked in and said to the shopkeeper, “I’ll have a C monkey please.”

The shopkeeper nodded, went over to a cage at the side of the shop, and took out a monkey. He fit a collar and leash and handed it to the customer, saying “That’ll be $5000.” The customer paid and walked out with his monkey.

Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said, “That was a very expensive monkey! Most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did it cost so much?”

The shopkeeper answered, “Ah, that monkey can program in C — very fast, tight code, no bugs, well worth the money.”

The tourist looked at the monkey in another cage. “That one’s even more expensive — $10,000! What does it do?”

“Oh, that one’s a C++ monkey; it can manage object-oriented programming, Visual C++, even some Java. All the really useful stuff,” said the shopkeeper.

The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third monkey in a cage of its own. The price tag read $50,000. He gasped to the shopkeeper, “That one costs more than all the others put together! What on earth does it do?”

Scratching his head, the shopkeeper replied, “Well, I haven’t actually seen it do anything, but the other two monkeys call him BOSS.”

Suppose Edgar Allen Poe Had Used a Computer…

Once upon a midnight dreary,
Fingers cramped and vision bleary,
Systems manuals piled high and
Wasted paper on the floor.
Longing for the warmth of bed sheets
Still I sat there, doing spreadsheets,
Having reached the bottom line,
I took a floppy from the drawer.

Typing with a steady hand,
I then invoked the SAVE command,
And waited for the disk to store,
Only this and nothing more.

Deep into the monitor peering,
Long I sat there wond’ring, fearing,
Doubting, while the disk kept churning,
Turning yet to churn some more.

“Save!” I said, “You cursed mother!
Save my data from before!”
One thing did the phosphors answer,
Only this and nothing more,
Just, “Abort, Retry, Ignore?”

Was this some occult illusion?
Some maniacal intrusion?
These were choices undesired,
One’s I’d never faced before.
Carefully, I weighed the choices
As the disk made impish noises.
The cursor flashed,
insistent, waiting,
Baiting me to type some more.

Clearly I must press a key,
Choosing one and nothing more.