Politics Jokes

Today we took a poll to see how many women would sleep with the President.

10% said “no”
10% said “yes”
and the other 80% said “never again”

Clinton died and went to heaven-or to be more accurate-approached the Pearly Gates. After knocking at the gates, St. Peter appeared.

“Who goes there?” inquired St. Peter.

“It’s me, Bill Clinton”

“And what do you want?” asked St. Peter.

“Lemme in!” replied Clinton.

“Soooo,” pondered Peter. “What bad things did you do on earth?”

Clinton thought a bit and answered, “Well, I smoked marijuana but you shouldn’t hold that against me because I didn’t inhale. I guess I had extra-marital sex — but you shouldn’t hold that against me because I didn’t really have ’sexual relations.’ And I lied, but I didn’t commit perjury.”

After several moments of deliberation St. Peter replied, “OK, here’s the deal. We’ll send you someplace where it is very hot, but we won’t call it ‘Hell.’ You’ll be there for an indefinite period of time, but we won’t call it ‘eternity.’ And don’t ‘abandon all hope’ upon entering, just don’t hold your breath waiting for it to freeze over.”

A State Government Employee sits in his office and out of boredom, decides to see what’s in his old filing cabinet. He pokes through the contents and comes across an old brass lamp.

“This would look nice on my mantelpiece,” he thinks, so he takes it home with him. While polishing the lamp, a genie appears and grants him three wishes.

“I wish for an ice cold diet Pepsi right now!”

POOF! A Pepsi appears before him on his desk, so he picks it up and guzzles it all at once.

Now that he can think more clearly, he states his second wish.

“I wish to be on an island where only beautiful women reside.”

POOF! Suddenly he is on an island with gorgeous females eyeing him lustfully.

He then tells the genie his third and last wish:

“I wish I’d never have to work ever again.”

POOF! He’s back in his government office.

There is a guy who begins to suffer massive headaches. He goes to the doctor and says, “Hey doc, I´ve got these headaches… can you check it out and tell me what´s going on?”

Doc says, “Sure, come on back in a couple days after we analyze some tests.”

Guy comes back, and the doctor tells him, “We´ve got good news and bad news.”

Guy says, “Let´s hear the bad news.”

Doc sez, “You´ve got a week to live.”

Guy says, “Holy shit, I can´t fucking believe it!! What´s the good news?”

Doc smiles and says, “See that good looking nurse over there?”

Guy says, “Yeah?”

Doc laughs, “I fucked her last night!”

A political activist named Dave was just arriving in Hell, and was told he had a choice to make. He could go to Capitalist Hell or to Communist Hell.

Naturally, Dave wanted to compare the two, so he wandered over to Capitalist Hell. There outside the door was Adam Smith, looking bored. “What’s it like in there?” asked Dave.

“Well,” replied Adam, “In Capitalist Hell, they flay you alive, boil you in oil, chain you to a rock and let a vulture tear your liver out, and cut you up into small pieces with sharp knives.”

“That’s terrible!” gasped Dave. “I’m going to check out Communist Hell before I decide.” In Communist Hell he discovered a huge line of people waiting to get in; the line circled around the lobby seven times before receding off into the horizon.

Dave pushed his way through to the head of the line, where he found Karl Marx busily signing people in. Dave asked Karl what Communist Hell was like.

“In Communist Hell,” said Marx impatiently, “they flay you alive, boil you in oil, chain you to a rock and let vultures tear out your liver, and cut you up into small pieces with sharp knives.”

“But…but that’s the same as Capitalist Hell!” protested Dave.

“True,” sighed Marx, “but sometimes we don’t have oil, sometimes we don’t have knives…”