Politics Jokes

How do you get a yes vote from Ted Kennedy?

Give him a key to your liquor cabinet!

Yasser Arafat, not feeling well and concerned about
his mortality, goes to consult a Psychic about the date of his death.

Closing her eyes and silently reaching into the realm of the future she finds the answer:

“You will die on a Jewish holiday.”

“Which one?’” Arafat asks nervously.

“It doesn’t matter,” replied the psychic. “Any day you die, will be a Jewish holiday.”

Two candidates for political office inadvertently scheduled simultaneous campaign rallies in the same park of a small New England town. After a lengthy round of speeches, the candidates worked their way through the crowd–shaking hands, kissing babies and beaming mightily.

Suddenly, the skies opened, and it began to rain. One of the candidates fled to take shelter in a nearby restaurant, along with half a dozen regulars. The other candidate, however, continued to move through the crowd–shaking hands kissing babies, etc.

“That man’s persistence yonder,” observed one of the natives, “sure makes it easy to know who to vote for, doesn’t it?”

“Yep,” another native agreed. “Sure can’t see myself voting for an asshole who hasn’t the brains to come in out of the rain.”

Q: Did you know that Monica bought a new dress for the impeachment hearings?

A: Bill Clinton spotted it right away.

A man was called in for an audit by the IRS. So, he asked his accountant for advice on what to wear.

“Wear your worst clothing and an old pair of shoes. Let them think you are a pauper,” the accountant replied.

Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice: “Don’t let them intimidate you. Wear your best suit and an expensive tie.”

Confused, the man went to his Minister, told him of the conflicting advice, and asked him what he should do. “Let me tell you a story,” replied the Minister. “A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. ‘Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck and wool socks.’” But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice:’ Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V neck right down to your navel.’”

The man protested: “But Reverend, what does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?”

“It doesn’t matter what you wear; you’re going to get screwed.”