Politics Jokes

Nixon: Watergate
Clinton: Water Bed

Nixon: His biggest fear - the Cold War
Clinton: His biggest fear - a Cold Sore

Nixon: Carpet bombing
Clinton: Carpet burning

Nixon: His Vice President was a Greek
Clinton: His Vice President is a geek

Nixon: Couldn’t stop Kissinger
Clinton: Couldn’t stop kissing her

Nixon: Couldn’t explain the 18-minute gap in the Watergate tape
Clinton: Couldn’t explain the 36-DD bra in his brief case

Nixon: His nickname Tricky Dick
Clinton: No difference

Nixon: Ex-President
Clinton: Sex-President

Nixon: Known for campaign slogan “Nixon’s The One”
Clinton: Known for women pointing at him and saying “He’s the one”

Nixon: Famous for his widow’s peak
Clinton: Famous for bringing widows to their peak

Nixon: Well acquainted with G. Gordon Liddy
Clinton: Well acquainted with G Spot

Nixon: Took on Ho Chi Minh
Clinton: Took on a Ho

Nixon: Talked about achieving peace with honor
Clinton: Talked of getting a piece while on her

Bill Clinton, Al Gore and George W. Bush died and found themselves standing on the other side of the Jordan River looking across at the Promised Land.

The Archangel Michael was standing on the other side and shouted over to the three surprised American, “Contrary to what you have been taught, each of you will have to wade across the Jordan River.”

As Michael saw their perplexed looks, he assured them by saying, “Don’t worry. You will sink only proportionally, according to your sins on earth. The more you have sinned, the more you will sink into the water.”

The three American sages of political lore looked at one another, trying to determine who would be the first brave soul to cross the Jordan River.

Finally, George W. Bush volunteered to go first. Slowly he began to wade out into the river, and slowly the water began to get higher and higher, reaching to his waist. George began to sweat, thinking of all his sins that were coming back to haunt him. He was beginning to wonder if he would ever see the other side. Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, he began to emerge on the river’s bank.

As he ascended to the other side, he looked behind him to see which one of the other brave souls was going next. A shock of surprise registered on his face, as he saw Al Gore almost in the middle of the river, and the water was only up to his ankles.

He turned to Michael and exclaimed, “I know Al Gore. Al Gore is a friend of mine, and he has sinned much, much more than that!”

Before the Archangel Micael could reply, Al Gore shouted back, “I’m standing on Clinton’s shoulders!”

What’s the difference between Al Gore and Leonardo DiCaprio?

One of them, due to circumstances beyond his control, was dragged down with the wreckage.

The other one is just an actor.

PRESIDENT CLINTON DIED AND WENT TO HELL. AT THE GATE HE WAS MET BY THE DEVIL.
THE DEVIL SAID, “YOU HAVE TWO CHOICES ON HOW YOU WILL SPEND ETERNITY. THE FIRST BEING YOU CAN RULE YOUR OWN WORLD. THE SECOND IS YOU CAN BE THE ONLY MAN IN A WORLD OF WOMEN.”

THINKING OUT LOUD, PRESIDENT CLINTON SAID, “WELL I RULED THE WORLD AS PRESIDENT, BUT EVERY TIME I TRIED TO GET A PIECE OF ASS, KEN STARR HAD TO INVESTIGATE. SO I’LL TAKE THE WORLD OF WOMEN.”

THE DEVIL SAID, “VERY WELL” AND LEAD CLINTON TO A ROOM. CLINTON ENTERED AND THE DOOR WAS LOCKED BEHIND HIM.

LOOKING AROUND HE DISCOVERED THAT ALL THE WOMEN WERE LESBIANS WHO LOOKED LIKE JANET RENO.

Hillary Clinton is not feeling well. She goes to her doctor and gets a complete physical, only to discover that she is pregnant. She is furious and can’t believe this has happened, when she is running for the Senate, too!!!

She calls the White House and gets Bill on the phone and immediately begins to berate him, screaming, “I just found out I’m 5 weeks PREGNANT, and it is all YOUR fault!!! How could you have let this HAPPEN? With all the trouble going on right now, how COULD you???!!! Well…what have you got to say???”

There is nothing but silence on the phone.

She screams again: “DID YOU HEAR ME????!!!”

She finally hears Bill’s very, very quiet voice. In a barely audible whisper, he says, “Who is this?”