Politics Jokes

Why did Mrs.Clinton want Mr. Clinton to start playing the saxophone again?

So he would quit thinking about that horemonica

“I don’t want nations feeling like that they can bully ourselves and our allies. I want to have a ballistic defense system so that we can make the world more peaceful, and at the same time I want to reduce our own nuclear capacities to the level commiserate with keeping the peace.” —Des Moines, Iowa, Oct. 23, 2000

“Families is where our nation finds hope, where wings take dream.”—LaCrosse, Wis., Oct. 18, 2000

“If I’m the president, we’re going to have emergency-room care, we’re going to have gag orders.”

“Drug therapies are replacing a lot of medicines as we used to know it.”

“It’s one thing about insurance, that’s a Washington term.”

“I think we ought to raise the age at which juveniles can have a gun.”

“Mr. Vice President, in all due respect, it is—I’m not sure 80 percent of the people get the death tax. I know this: 100 percent will get it if I’m the president.”

“Quotas are bad for America. It’s not the way America is all about.”

“If affirmative action means what I just described, what I’m for, then I’m for it.”—St. Louis, Mo., October 18, 2000

“I mean, there needs to be a wholesale effort against racial profiling, which is illiterate children.”—Second presidential debate, Oct. 11, 2000 (Thanks to Leonard Williams.)

“I think if you know what you believe, it makes it a lot easier to answer questions. I can’t answer your question.”—In response to a question about whether he wished he could take back any of his answers in the first debate. Reynoldsburg, Ohio, Oct. 4, 2000 (Thanks to Peter Feld.)

“I would have my secretary of treasury be in touch with the financial centers, not only here but at home.”—Boston, Oct. 3, 2000 (Thanks to M. Bateman.)

“I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully.”—Saginaw, Mich., Sept. 29, 2000

“I will have a foreign-handed foreign policy.”—Redwood, Calif., Sept. 27, 2000

“One of the common denominators I have found is that expectations rise above that which is expected.”—Los Angeles, Sept. 27, 2000

“It is clear our nation is reliant upon big foreign oil. More and more of our imports come from overseas.”—Beaverton, Ore., Sep. 25, 2000

“I am a person who recognizes the fallacy of humans.”—Oprah, Sept. 19, 2000

“A tax cut is really one of the anecdotes to coming out of an economic illness.”—The Edge With Paula Zahn, Sept. 18, 2000

“The best way to relieve families from time is to let them keep some of their own money.”—Westminster, Calif., Sept. 13, 2000

“They have miscalculated me as a leader.”—Ibid.

“I don’t think we need to be subliminable about the differences between our views on prescription drugs.”—Orlando, Fla., Sept. 12, 2000

“This is what I’m good at. I like meeting people, my fellow citizens, I like interfacing with them.”—Outside Pittsburgh, Sept. 8, 2000

“That’s Washington. That’s the place where you find people getting ready to jump out of the foxholes before the first shot is fired.”—Westland, Mich., Sept. 8, 2000

“We’ll let our friends be the peacekeepers and the great country called America will be the pacemakers.”—Houston, Texas, Sept. 6, 2000

“I regret that a private comment I made to the vice presidential candidate made it through the public airways.”—Allentown, Pa., Sept. 5, 2000.

“The point is, this is a way to help inoculate me about what has come and is coming.”–on his anti-Gore ad, in an interview with the New York Times, Sept. 2, 2000

“As governor of Texas, I have set high standards for our public schools, and I have met those standards.”–CNN online chat, Aug. 30, 2000

“Well, I think if you say you’re going to do something and don’t do it, that’s trustworthiness.”–Ibid.

“I don’t know whether I’m going to win or not. I think I am. I do know I’m ready for the job. And, if not, that’s just the way it goes.”—Des Moines, Iowa, Aug. 21, 2000

”This campaign not only hears the voices of the entrepreneurs and the farmers and the entrepreneurs, we hear the voices of those struggling to get ahead.”—Ibid.

“We cannot let terrorists and rogue nations hold this nation hostile or hold our allies hostile.”—Ibid.

“I have a different vision of leadership. A leadership is someone who brings people together.”—Bartlett, Tenn., Aug. 18, 2000 (Thanks to Tarja Black.)

“I think he needs to stand up and say if he thought the president were wrong on policy and issues, he ought to say where.”—Interview with the Associated Press, Aug. 11, 2000 (Thanks to Ryan Rhodes.)

“You might want to comment on that, Honorable.”–To New Jersey’s secretary of state, the Hon. DeForest Soaries Jr., as quoted by Dana Milbank in the Washington Post, July 15, 2000

“This case has had full analyzation and has been looked at a lot. I understand the emotionality of death penalty cases.”–Seattle Post-Intelligencer, June 23, 2000 (Thanks to Johnny Green.)

“States should have the right to enact reasonable laws and restrictions particularly to end the inhumane practice of ending a life that otherwise could live.”—Cleveland, June 29, 2000 (Thanks to Douglas Basford.)

“Unfairly but truthfully, our party has been tagged as being against things. Anti-immigrant, for example. And we’re not a party of anti-immigrants. Quite the opposite. We’re a party that welcomes people.”—Cleveland, July 1, 2000 (Thanks to M. Bateman.)

“The fundamental question is, ‘Will I be a successful president when it comes to foreign policy?’ I will be, but until I’m the president, it’s going to be hard for me to verify that I think I’ll be more effective.”—In Wayne, Mich., as quoted by Katharine Q. Seelye in the New York Times, June 28, 2000

“The only things that I can tell you is that every case I have reviewed I have been comfortable with the innocence or guilt of the person that I’ve looked at. I do not believe we’ve put a guilty … I mean innocent person to death in the state of Texas.” All Things Considered, NPR, June 16, 2000 (Thanks to Andy Nouraee.)

“I’m gonna talk about the ideal world, Chris. I’ve read—I understand reality. If you’re asking me as the president, would I understand reality, I do.”—On abortion, Hardball, MSNBC; May 31, 2000

“There’s not going to be enough people in the system to take advantage of people like me.”—On the coming Social Security crisis; Wilton, Conn.; June 9, 2000 (Thanks to Andy Mais.)

Bush: “First of all, Cinco de Mayo is not the independence day. That’s dieciséis de Septiembre, and …”
Matthews: “What’s that in English?”
Bush: “Fifteenth of September.” (Dieciséis de Septiembre = Sept. 16)
—Hardball, MSNBC, May 31, 2000 (Thanks to numerous readers.)

“Actually, I—this may sound a little West Texan to you, but I like it. When I’m talking about—when I’m talking about myself, and when he’s talking about myself, all of us are talking about me.”—Ibid.

“He has certainly earned a reputation as a fantastic mayor, because the results speak for themselves. I mean, New York’s a safer place for him to be.”—On Rudy Giuliani, The Edge With Paula Zahn, May 18, 2000 (Thanks to Peter Goldman.)

“The fact that he relies on facts—says things that are not factual—are going to undermine his campaign.”—New York Times, March 4, 2000 (Thanks to Garry Trudeau.)

Q: Why doesn’t Hillary Clinton wear panties when she flies?

A: So she can get a better grip on her broom!

Good evening, Ladies and Gentlemen, my name is William Jefferson Clinton and I’m the President of the United States. And right now I’m going trough some minor legal problems that you may or may not have heard about, and these legal problems are probably going to force me out of office sooner or later and that got me thinking the other day. When I’m out of office I’m going to need some sort of steady income to support my family, there’s my beautiful daughter Chelsea and my beaut.. And my wife Hillary. And I can’t forget about all of my side projects, if you will.

So I thought about it for a while and then it dawned on me, start my own business involving two things that I know very well, cigars and interns. That’s right, in your local smoke shop soon, Bill Clinton’s intern rolled cigars. No longer will you have to wonder if your cigar was hand rolled, because I guarentee that all of my cigars are hand rolled by my very own personal interns.

And to top that off, not only are the cigars all hand rolled by my interns, but each intern will seal the cigar in their very own personal way. (Smells a cigar) smells great; (puts cigar in mouth) tastes even better. But the best part about this whole deal is they’re interns, I don’t have to pay them a dime. But out of the kindness of my heart, we do work out an agreement to make sure the interns are taken care of, repeatedly.

So the next time you’re in your favorite smoke shop ask for them by name, Bill Clinton’s intern rolled cigars. But if you can’t wait until then you can call my special 900 number and I’ll rush you out an order of the limited edition Monica Lewinsky cigars. The ones in the blue package with the white writing.

Don’t forget, that’s Bill Clinton’s intern rolled cigars, coming to a store near you as soon as I’m impeached.

This one guy was walking on the dock of a NUDE beach one day. About 50 yards down the dock he saw a sign and it said BEWARE OF GAYS! and he didn’t think anything of it.

Another 50 yards down the dock he saw another sign. It said BEWARE OF GAYS! And he started to make caution of it but soon for got about it.

Toward the end of the dock he saw a sign that had been kicked down on the ground and he bent down to look at it.

The sign said YOU ALREADY HAD 2 WARNINGS!!!