Politics Jokes

Q: What is Bill Clinton’s worst nightmare?

A: An intern with braces! (ewww!)

A young gay man calls up his mother to tell her that he is giving up being gay as he has met the woman who, he believes, is his soul mate. In fact he says, “We are so much in love that we plan to get married next month! That’s why I called you. I’m sure you will be happy to know that I have turned my back on the gay lifestyle.”

“I am very happy indeed,” says his mother. “But would it be too much to ask if she is also Jewish?”

The man says, “Mother, not only is she Jewish, she comes from a wealthy Beverly Hills family.”

“That is wonderful news!” The mother then asks, “Tell me, what is the name of my future daughter-in-law?”

The man says, “Monica Lewinsky.”

There was a long moment of silence on the other end - so long that the man is alarmed. Fearing that she may have fainted or worse, he says, “Mother, are you still there?”

“I’m still here,” says the mother. “Now whatever happened to that nice Catholic boy you were dating last year?”
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One day, while President Clinton was at “work” in the oval office, a secret service agent comes in and says, “Mister Clinton , I’ve got bad news, good news, and worse news. The bad news is there is a protest outside for your resignation as president, the good news is there’s only one protester.”

Clinton replies, “So what’s the really bad news?”

The agent says, “It’s Gore sir.”

A proposed revision to the rules of golf is being sought in South Florida, which will replace the traditional call of “FORE.” Once a player has hit an errant shot, he will be allowed to call “GORE,” while the ball is still in flight. He can then replace the ball in the same spot and hit it again.

The player can do this until he is satisfied the ball is going where he intended to hit it in the first place. This will cause the time of play to be extended until such time as the player can claim the hole.

This revision is causing some consternation to the PGA, but proponents say it is only fair.

A recent test of this new rule was recently played out in an exclusive club in Palm Beach County, Florida, and the the first hole only took 7 days to complete!!!

The Kennebunkport Hillbilly
(sung to the tune of “The Beverly Hillbillies”)

Come and listen to my story ’bout a boy named Bush
His IQ was zero and his head was up his tush
He drank like a fish while he was drivin’ all about
But that didn’t matter ‘cuz his daddy bailed him out!

DUI, that is. Criminal record. Cover-up.

Well, the first thing you know little Georgie went to Yale
He couldn’t spell his name but they never let him fail
He spent all his time hangin’ out with student folk
And that’s when he learned how to snort a line of coke!

Blow, that is. White gold. Nose candy.

The next thing you know there’s a war in Vietnam
Kin folks say, “George, you stay at home with Mom”
Let the common people get maimed and scarred
We’ll buy you a spot in the Texas Air Guard

Cushy, that is. Country clubs. Privilege.

Twenty years later George gets a little bored
He trades in the booze, says that Jesus is his Lord
He said, “Now the White House is the place I wanna be”
So he called his daddy’s friends and they called the GOP!

Gun owners, that is. Falwell. Jesse Helms.

Come November 7, e-lection is running late
Kin folks said “Jeb, give the boy your state”
“Don’t let those folks get into the polls”
So they put up barricades so they couldn’t punch their holes!

Chads, that is. Duval County. Miami-Dade.

Before the votes were counted five Supremes had gone stepped in
Told all the voters “Hey, we just want George to win”
“Stop counting votes!” was their solemn invocation
And that’s how George finally got his coronation!

Rigged, that is. Illegitimate. No moral authority.

Y’all come vote now. Ya hear?