Politics Jokes

December 30, 2004/Washington, D.C.(Associated Press)

After four years of legal wrangling, George W. Bush was finally declared the winner of the 2000 Presidential Election yesterday.

Bush, a Republican, will take the oath of office at noon today and serves until January 20, 2005, a term of about three weeks. Then he gives way to the undisputed winner of the 2004 Presidential Election, New York Senator Hillary Rodham Greenspan (formerly Clinton).

Facing a drastically shortened presidency, Bush attempted to strike an optimistic tone last night. “We have a lot to accomplish in the next three weeks,” Bush said. “Reforming Social Security alone is probably going to eat up four or five hours. Let’s get to work!”

Aides yesterday were calling temporary employment agencies in a frantic effort to fill Cabinet posts. Bush’s victory ends a four-year court battle between him and Democratic candidate, Al Gore, over the results of the 2000 election.

While the dispute raged on, the nation installed an interim president–New York Yankees Manager, Joe Torre. Torre admitted that running a country and a baseball team simultaneously has been a strain. “At times, it’s been difficult to keep the two things straight. Although, in retrospect, trading Jesse Helms to the Red Sox turned out OK.”

Torre’s four years in office were marked by continued prosperity at home and relative calm abroad. His most controversial move was appointing Yankee’s bench coach, Don Zimmer to the Supreme Court. Critics charged that Zimmer lacked experience. He also spat tobacco juice on Antonin Scalia’s shoes, angering conservatives. Torre’s boldest foreign policy initiative was making Cuba the 51st state, in an effort to improve U.S. pitching.

Torre was planning to vacate the White House by midnight tonight, with Bush moving in immediately.

Eager to give an aura or permanancy to his three-week administration, Bush rebuffed suggestions that he sleep on a bare mattress on the floor and live out of suitcases.

Gore, meanwhile, has yet to concede defeat. The former Vice President issued a statement today saying, “It would be improper and disrespectful to the democratic process to act hastily before all the facts are known.” The legal tangle over the 2000 Election began with a Gore lawsuit over the confusing design of ballots in Florida. When the courts sided with Gore, Bush filed suit, arguing that the Oregon results were invalid because some ballots were yellow and others, pink. Gore countersued, charging that the West Virginia results should be thrown out because some people failed to receive, “I Voted Today” stickers.

Through the years, various officials proposed compromises to resolve the impasse. All were rejected, including:

***Establishing a co-presidency, with the two men sharing duties and splitting the White House. Although never implemented, the idea gave rise to a hit TV show–East Wing, West Wing.

***Establishing temporarily separate nations, with each candidate ruling the states he won in the 2000 Election. Gore, who failed to carry his native Tennessee, balked at that idea because it would mean showing a passport every time he went home.

Observers said the biggest challenge for the Bush administration will be working with Congress, which adjourns tomorrow and isn’t expected back until after Bush’s term ends. “One day may not be quite enough time to overhaul the tax system,” a Bush aide admitted. “But maybe we can get started and then finish it later with a big conference call or something.”

Meanwhile, Bush also must work on his legacy and prepare to transfer power to President-elect, Greenspan. She yesterday wished Bush well and asked if she could start moving some boxes into the White House basement.

There was a man who computed his taxes for 1998 and discovered that he owed $3407. He packaged up his payment and included this letter:
Dear IRS:

Enclosed is my 1998 Tax Return & payment. Please take note of the attached article from the USA Today newspaper. In the article, you will see that the Pentagon is paying $171.50 for hammers and NASA has paid $600.00 for a toilet seat.

Please find enclosed four toilet seats (value $2400) and six hammers (value $1029). This brings my total payment to $3429.00. Please note the overpayment of $22.00 and apply it to the “Presidential Election Fund,” as noted on my return.

Might I suggest you the send the above mentioned fund a “1.5
inch screw.” (See attached article…HUD paid $22.00 for a 1.5 inch Phillips Head Screw.)

It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year.

Sincerely,

A satisfied taxpayer

What happens when a president gets elected in a year with a “O” at the end?

1840: William Henry Harrison (Died in Office)
1860: Abraham Lincoln (Assassinated)
1880: James A. Garfield (Assassinated)
1900: William McKinley (Assassinated)
1920: Warren G. Harding (Died in Office)
1940: Franklin D. Roosevelt (Died in Office)
1960: John F. Kennedy (Assassinated)
1980: Ronald Reagan (Survived Assassination Attempt)

And to think that we have 2 guys duking it out in the courts to be the one elected in 2000!!!

A man passed away and went to Heaven.

Upon arriving at the pearly gates, St. Peter said, “Come on in. I’ll show you around. I really think you’ll like it here.” Walking through the gates, the man noticed that there were clocks everywhere.

It appeared that Heaven was nothing more than a giant clock warehouse.Surprised at how Heaven looked, the man asked St. Peter “what’s the deal with all the clocks?”

St. Peter replied, “they keep track of everybody on earth. There is one clock for each person. Every time someone tells a lie, his clock moves forward one minute. For instance, this clock belongs to Sam, a used car salesman. If you watch it closely, it will move any second.”

Click! The minute hand on Sam’s clock moved forward one minute. Click! It moved forward another minute. “Sam must be closing on a deal right now,” said St. Peter. “The minute hand on his clock moves all day long.”

The man and St. Peter continued walking and soon came across a clock covered with cobwebs. “Whose clock is this?” asked the man. “That clock belongs to the Widow Audrey. She is one of the finest persons on earth. I bet her clock hasn’t moved in a year or two.”

They continued walking and touring Heaven. The man enjoyed watching the clocks of all his friends. When the tour was finally finished, the man said, “I’ve seen everyone’s clock but one! Where is President Clinton’s clock kept?”

St. Peter smiled and said, “Look up there. We use his for a ceiling fan.”

What do you get when you put Monica Lewinsky and Tonto in a car together?

A blown engine.