Politics Jokes

The tapes of Monica Lewinsky and Linda Tripp were released, for the first time revealing Monica’s girlish voice. Upon hearing the tapes, President Bill Clinton was heard to exclaim:

“So that’s what she sounds like.”

The new Halloween costume is Monica Lewinsky. It comes with a blue dress, mayonnaise, a cigar, a beret, and the official White House kneepads.

Fidel dies and goes to heaven. When he gets there, St. Peter tells him that he is not on the list and that no way, no how, does he belong in Heaven. Fidel must go to Hell.

So Fidel goes to hell where Satan gives him a hearty welcome and tells him to make himself at home.

Then Fidel notices that he left his luggage in Heaven and tells Satan, who says, “No hay problema. I’ll send a couple of little devils to get your stuff.”

When the little devils get to Heaven, they find the gates are locked–St. Peter is having lunch–and they start debating what to do. Finally, one comes up with the idea that they should go over the wall and get the luggage. As they are climbing the wall, two little angels see them, and one angel says to the other.

“My God! Fidel has been in hell no more than ten minutes, and we’re already getting refugees!”

Stuck in a strange city by bad weather, the drinker was bored. He sat in the bar and looking to strike up a conversation, turned to the bartender and said, “Hey, about those Democrats in Congress…”

“Stop–I don’t permit talk about politics in my bar!” interrupted the bartender.

A few minutes later, the gent tried again, “People say that the Pope…”

“Whoa, no religious talk either,” the bartender cut in.

“Look, how about sex? Can I talk sex?”

“Sure,” said the bartender.

The man then said, “F**K YOU,” as he was walking out.

President Clinton walks into a restaurant and is seated in one of the booths. All the waitresses are knock-down gorgeous. A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very short skirt and legs that won’t quit comes to his table.

“What would you like, Mr. President?”

Clinton looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame top to bottom, then answers: “A quickie.”

The waitress stomps off in total disgust. After she regains her composure she returns and asks again: “What would you like, Mr. President?”

Again Clinton thoroughly checks her out and again answers: “A quickie, please.”

This time her anger takes over, she reaches over and slaps him across the face with a resounding “SMACK!” and storms away.

A Secret Service agent, sitting at the next table, leans over and whispers, “Um, Mr. President, I think it’s pronounced ‘QUICHE’.”