Religious Jokes

A 15-year-old high school student was hard at work on the kitchen table trying to write a limerick for the school paper’s contest. His grandmother came in to make tea and asked him what he was writing.

“There’s a contest at school for the best limerick. The winner gets published in our school newspaper” replied Jimmy.

“Oh”, Granny smiled, “maybe I can help you. When I was your age, I used to be quite good at making up limericks, although my mother always said they were a bit racy for a proper young lady.”

“That’s great, Granny,” said Jimmy. “Would you tell me one?”

“Oh I’d be embarassed to say one aloud,” blushed Granny, “but I guess I could leave out the parts my mother objected to.”

“OK, Granny, go ahead,” said young Jimmy.

“Well, all right, here goes.”

“A girl spread her legs in
the grass
da da da da da da da da.
Da da da da da da da da da ,
So he fucked her up the ass.”

1. Never trust a dog to watch your food. - Patrick, age 10

2. When your dad is mad and asks you, “Do I look stupid?” don’t answer him. - Michael, 14

3. Never tell your mom her diet’s not working. - Michael, 14

4. Stay away from prunes. - Randy, 9

5. Never pee on an electric fence. - Robert, 13

6. Don’t squat with your spurs on. - Noronha, 13

7. Don’t pull dad’s finger when he tells you to. - Emily, 10

8. When your mom is mad at your dad, don’t let her brush your hair.
- Taylia, 11

9. Never allow your three-year old brother in the same room as your school assignment. - Traci, 14

10. Don’t sneeze in front of mom when you’re eating crackers.
- Mitchell, 12

11. Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic tac.
- Andrew, 9

12. Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time.
- Kyoyo, 9

13. You can’t hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
- Armir, 9

14. Don’t wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
-Kellie, 11

15. If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse.
- Naomi, 15

16. Felt markers are not good to use as lipstick. - Lauren, 9

17. Don’t pick on your sister when she’s holding a baseball bat. - Joel, 10

18. When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom
when she’s on the phone. - Alyesha, 13

19. Never try to baptize a cat. - Eileen, 8

A businessman was talking with his barber, when they both noticed a goofy-looking fellow bouncing down the sidewalk.

The barber whispered, “That’s Tommy, one of the stupidest kids you’ll ever meet. Here, I’ll show you.”

“Hey Tommy! Come here!” yelled the barber.

Tommy came bouncing over. “Hi Mr. Williams!”

The barber pulled out a rusty dime and a shiny quarter and told Tommy he could keep the one of his choice. Tommy looked long and hard at the dime and quarter and then quickly snapped the dime from the barber’s hand.

The barber looked at the businessman and said, “See, I told you.”

After his haircut, the businessman caught up with Tommy down the street and asked him why he chose the dime.

Tommy looked at him in the eye and said, “If I take the quarter, the game is over.”

During the championship ceremony of The Ryder Cup, Leonard noticed that his wife’s bra had a hole on the far side.

He said, “Honey, there’s something amiss with your bra.”

Mrs. Leonard replied, “No Honey, That’s my New Ryder Cup Championship Bra. It’s got a hole in one.”

There was a blonde driving a car, and all was going fine until the car started speeding up it hit a lot of bumps and she was thrown off , but her foot was caught in a wire her head was bouncing dangerously close to the ground. Just when she was about to give up hope, a Walmart employee came out and unplugged the car.