Religious Jokes

There was a young priest and an old priest, and one day the old priest ask the young priest over for dinner.

The old priest had a beautiful young housekeeper and the young priest kept asking the old priest if he had ever slept with her. The old priest said that he had never, and would never, sleep with her.

The next day, the housekeeper noticed that a very expensive gravy ladle was missing.

She assumed that the young priest had taken it, and told the old priest. He responded by writing a letter to the young priest that said, “I am not saying you did take the gravy ladle, and I am not saying you didn’t. But if you know where it is, please tell me.”

The young priest wrote a letter back that said, “I am not saying that you do sleep with your housekeeper, and I am not saying you don’t. But if you slept in your own bed, you would know where your gravy ladle was.”

A young boy walked into the living room and saw his dad sitting on the couch drinking a beer.

The boy asked, “Dad, can I have a beer?”

The dad replied, “Well, can you touch your dick to your ass?”

The boy answered, “Well, no.”

“Then you can’t have one.” the dad said.

The next day, the boy walked into the living room again and saw his dad sitting on the couch smoking a cigarette.

The boy asked, “Dad, can I have a cigarette?”

The dad replied, “Can you touch your dick to your ass?”

Again, the boy answered, “Well, no. ”

“Then you can’t have a cigarette.” the dad said once again.

The next day the dad walked into the living room and saw , the boy sitting on the couch with a bag of cookies.

The dad asked, ” Son, can I have a cookie?”

The boy replied, “Well, can you touch your dick to your ass?”

“As a matter of fact,” the dad said, “Yes I can.”

The boy said, “Well you can go screw yourself but you can’t have my cookies!”

In the winter of 1926, Thelma Goldstein from Chicago treated herself to her first real vacation in Florida. Being unfamiliar with the area, she wandered into a restricted hotel in North Miami.

“Excuse me,” she said to the manager. “My name is Mrs. Goldstein, and I’d like a small room for two weeks.”

“I’m awfully sorry,” he replied, “but all of our rooms are occupied.”

Just as he said that, a man came down and checked out.

“What luck,” said Mrs. Goldstein. “Now there’s a room.”

“Not so fast, Madam. I’m sorry, but this hotel is restricted. No Jews allowed.”

“Jewish? Who’s Jewish? I happen to be Catholic.”

“I find that hard to believe. Let me ask you, who was the Son of God?”

“Jesus, Son of Mary.”

“Where was he born?”

“In a stable.”

“And why was he born in a stable?”

“Because… a schmuck like you wouldn’t let a Jew rent a room in his hotel!”

Pilot to Co-pilot: We are approaching an airport with a notoriously short runway. When I give the commands, execute them immediately!

Co-pilot: Roger.

Pilot: Flaps full down

Co-pilot: Roger. Flaps are full down.

Pilot: Air speed 180.

Co-pilot: Air speed 180.

Pilot: Landing gear down.

Co-pilot: Landing gear is down and locked.

Pilot: As soon as we touch down, I want engines in full reverse and brakes on maximum.

Co-pilot: Roger.

They hit the runway with engines in full reverse, screeching brakes. Two tires blow; and in a cloud of dust, the aircraft comes to a stop. They literally have to scrape themselves off the windshield.

Pilot: My God! That was the shortest runway I’ve ever seen.

Co-pilot: (Looking around both ways)…and the widest.

Sister Margaret died and through some error found herself in hell. She immediately called Saint Peter and said, “This is Sister Margaret. There’s been a terrible mistake!” She explained the situation, and Saint Peter said he’d get right on it.

The next day the nun didn’t hear from Saint Peter and called him back. “Saint Peter, this is Sister Margaret again. Please set this error straight before tomorrow,” she begged. “There’s an orgy planned for tonight, and everyone must attend!”

“Of course, Sister,” he said. “I’ll get you out of there right away.”

Apparently, her plight slipped his mind, and the following morning he received another phone call from hell. He picked up the receiver and heard, “Hey, Pete, this is Maggie. NEVER MIND!”