Religious Jokes

A man was talking to his friend at the bar. The friend said, “Did you know that 9 out of 10 women with brown eyes cheat on their husbands?”

“No, I didn’t know that,” the man replied.

“So what color are YOUR wife’s eyes?” asked the friend.

The man replied, “I’m too drunk to remember. Geez, I’d better go home and find out!”

So the man hurries home to find his wife in bed and asleep. The man carefully lifts his wife’s eyelid and exclaims, “OH, MY GOD! BROWN!”

Suddenly, a man pops out from under the covers and exclaims, “How the hell did you know I was here?”

Three ministers and their wives took a vacation together. On the way they were involved in a car crash which killed all six.

Upon arriving at the gates of Heaven the first minister walked straight up to Peter and said, “I, my friend have dedicated my life to all that is good. Surely I can enter.”

Peter explained, “You, my friend, had such a lust of money, that you would not marry untill you met your wife, Penny. You do not belong here. To damnation, you go.”

The second minister says to Peter, “My good friend, I have been the upmost person of faith in my time as mortal. Surely, in your heart, you know that this is true.”

“Hold on”, said Peter. “You have craved alcohol in your whole time of being, that you would not marry until your wife, Ginny, stammered into your life. Away to eternal flame you go!”

The third minister walked up to Peter, looked at him, and then turned to his wife and said, “Come on, Fanny, we’re out of here.”

The big game hunter walked into the bar and bragged to everyone about his skills as a hunter. The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute that. But then he said that they could blindfold him and he would recognise any animal’s skin from its feel, and if he could locate the bullet hole he would even tell them what calibre rifle was used to shoot it.

This was a bit too much for the other customers, and soon a heated argument was going on. Then the hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and the bet was on. They blindfolded him carefully and took him to his first animal skin.

After feeling it for a few moments, he announced. “Springbok”. Then he felt for the bullet hole and declared. “And shot with a .22 rifle”. The others could not believe it (he was right, of course) and the argument was even hotter than before. When some started to suggest that he must have peeped, he said that he was prepared to do it again. He would put up all the drinks they had bought before against them buying another round for him.

So they blindfolded him again, very thoroughly this time, and they brought a skin that someone happened to have in the boot of his car. He took a bit longer this time and then said, “Kalahari Lion” and fingering the bullet hole, said “and the rifle was a .308″ and he was right again.

This, of course, was like throwing fat on the fire, and he had to prove his skills over and over again, everytime against a round of drinks. Finally he staggered home, stoned out of his mind, and went to sleep.

The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell of a shiner. So he said to his wife. “Listen I know I was drunk last night, but not too drunk to know that I did not fight anyone in that bar. So where did I get this black eye?” .

And his wife replied angrily. “From me, of course.”

“But what did I do?” he asked.

She replied, “You got into bed and put your hand down inside my panties. Then you fiddled around a bit and announced in a loud triumphant tone: ‘Skunk, killed with an axe.’”

Two Texans were having lunch at their favorite restaurant when they noticed a young woman at the next table having trouble breathing.

One of the Texans got up, walked over to her table, took her face in his big Texan hands and said, “Kin ya swaller?” She shook her head ‘no.’

“Kin ya breath?” Again she shakes her head ‘no.’

The Texan grabs her around the waist with one of his big Texan hands, turns her over, pulls up her skirt, pulls down her panties and licks her right on the bottom! Of course the young woman was so shocked that she coughed causing the food to dislodge. The big Texan pulls up her panties, pulls down her skirt, turns her right side up, tips his hat and returns to his seat.

His companion is sitting there stunned. “I have never seen anything like that in my whole life!” he says to his heroic friend.

“Yeah, I tell ya, that Hind Lick maneuver works every time!”

An astronaut landed on the moon and after exiting his spacecraft was leisurely exploring the moon’s surface. As he rounded a large boulder he came upon a beautiful girl standing next to a large black cauldron, the contents of which she was stirring with a long spoon.

“Hello!” said the astronaut, “I am from the earth. What are you doing?”

“Hello,” replied the moon maiden. “I live here on the moon and I am making a baby.”

“How interesting!” responded the astronaut. “Perhaps you would like to see how we make babies on earth?”

“Why, yes!” replied the moon maiden. “That would be interesting.”

The two proceeded to make love earth-style. After the astronaut had finished he asked,”Well, what did you think?”

“It was very nice,” replied the moon maiden. “But where is the baby?”

“Oh, the baby won’t be along for nine months!” answered the astronaut.

“Then why did you stop stirring?” she asked.