Religious Jokes

A frustrated wife sent a desperate letter to the advice column of her local newspaper.

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Dear Gabby,

I have a very loving husband. He loves me day and night. He loves me while working, sleeping, eating — anywhere and anytime. What should I do?

Signed,
Frustrated Wife

P.S. Sorry for the jerky handwriting.

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Dear Frustrated Wife,

Stop complaining and get a typewriter.

-Gabby

A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon.

“How do you know what to say?” he asked.

“Why, God tells me.”

“Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?”

knock knock
who’s there
Phineas
Phineas who?
Phineas thing happened today

Once there was a man who went to play golf with his priest.

He was on the third hole and only 3 feet away from the hole. He putted his shot and missed. “God Damn it!” the man yelled. The priest replied that it was a sin to say God’s name in vain. The man saw that his priest was correct and apologized.

Later he was on the 15th hole and only 2 feet away, when he missed the shot and yelled “God damn it!” The priest replied that it was a sin to speak of God in vain. The man realized his mistake and that his father was right and apologized.

Later after that he was on the 18th hole and if he made a 6 inch put he would win the entire game. He of course missed and as before yelled “God damn it, I missed!” The priest was disturbed as times before and angrily shook his head as he was about to speak.

Just as the priest was correcting the man and said, “It is a….” A huge bolt of lightning came down from the skies and struck the priest dead on the spot. Then came a huge rumbling voice that shuck the ground as it said, “God damn it, I missed!”

Stupid people should have to wear signs that say, “I’M STUPID!” That would save the rest of us “normal” folks a lot of headaches. We wouldn’t rely on them or expect much from them. It would be like, “Oh, excuse me. Never mind. I just noticed your sign.”

It’s like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes, and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway. My friend comes over and says, “Hey, you moving?”

“Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes.” (He needs that sign.)

A couple of months ago, I went fishing with a buddy of mine. We pulled his boat into the dock, and I lifted up this big ole stringer of bass. This idiot on the dock goes, “Hey, ya’ll catch all them fish?”

“Nope, just talked ‘em into giving up.” (Talk about need a sign, huh?)

Then the last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those side-of-the-road gas stations. The attendant walks out, looks at my truck, looks at me, and I SWEAR he said, “Tire go flat?”

I couldn’t resist! I said, “Nope. I was driving around, and those other three just swelled right up on me.” (Sign needed there?)

In my younger days, I learned to drive an 18-wheeler. Wouldn’t ya know I misjudged the height of a bridge. The truck got stuck, and I couldn’t get it out no matter how hard I tried.

I radioed in for help, and eventually a local cop showed up to take the report. He went through his basic questioning…ok…no problem. I thought he was an OK fellow…until he came out with, “So…is your truck stuck?”

I couldn’t help myself! I looked at him, looked back at the rig and then back to him and said, “No. I’m deliverin’ a bridge!!!” (Where’s that sign?)