Religious Jokes

A very busy corporate lawyer was called out of an important meeting to the bedside of an extremely wealthy widow who was one of the firm’s most prestigious clients. She was also well-known for her devoted Christian faith.

The lawyer was ushered into the bedroom of the widow and asked, “What can I do for you, Mrs. Warbucks?”

“Just come and stand beside my bed,” she said while lying in bed.

The lawyer did as he was told. A few minutes later, a lawyer from another firm that served the widow’s family interests came into the bedroom. She instructed him to stand on the other side of her bed.

After 15 to 20 minutes of standing virtually motionless with no further indication of what either man had been called in to do, the first lawyer spoke up, “Mrs. Warbucks, I don’t want to neglect you at a time like this, but I left an important meeting to come here and I really should be getting back.” Pointing at the other lawyer, he continued, “I’m sure he has a busy schedule too. Is there anything you need either of us to do before we go? We’ll be glad to take care of any concerns you have at this time.”

Mrs. Warbucks said, “No. I’m dying and I don’t need anymore legal services. What I want you to do for me now is to stand where you are until I’m gone, because I ‘ve always wanted to die like my Lord did - between two thieves!”

I heard she would never say no,
Ten bucks for a really good blow.
When down on her knees,
I said, “Baby, please!
Too low! You’re sucking my toe!”

A drunk was staggering down the main street of town. Somehow, he managed to make it up the stairs to the cathedral and into the building, where he crashed from pew to pew. He finally made his way to a side aisle and into a confessional.

A priest had been observing the man’s sorry progress. Figuring the fellow was in need of some assistance, he proceeded to enter his side of the confessional. His attention was rewarded only by a lengthy silence. Finally he asked, “May I help you, my son?”

“I dunno,” came the drunk’s voice from behind the partition. “You got any toilet paper on your side?”

Continuing Education Courses For Women

1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before..

2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits..

3. Combating the Imelda Marcos Syndrome: You Do Not Need New Shoes Everyday..

4. Parties: Going Without New Outfits..

5. Man Management: Discover How Minor Household Chores Can Wait Until After the Game..
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6. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too..

7. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor Is His..

8. Valuation: Just Because It’s Not Important to You . . ..

9. Communication Skills I: Tears — The Last Resort, Not the First..

10. Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking..

11. Communication Skills III: Getting What You Want, Without Nagging..

12. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire..

13. Party Etiquette: Drinking Your Fair Share..

14. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up..

15. Introduction to Parking..

16. Advanced Parking: Reversing Into A Space..

17. Overcoming Anal Retentive Behavior: Leaving the Towels on the Floor..

18. Water retention: Fact or Fat..

19. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter..

20. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not For Human Consumption..

21. Cooking III: How Not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People..

22. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully..

23. PMS: Your Problem . . . Not His..

24. Dancing: Why Men Don’t Like To..

25. Censored

26. Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have..

27. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice..

28. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together..

29. Ballet: For Women Only..

30. Oil and Gas: Your Car Needs Both..

31. Learning to Go in Public Restrooms..

32. Appreciating the Humor of the Three Stooges..

33. “Do These Jeans Make My Butt Look Big?” — Why Men Lie..

34. TV Remotes: For Men Only..

Three nuns died and went to heaven. St. Peter upon seeing them says “You three have been so good that I will allow you to go back as anyone you want.”

The first nun says, “I want to go back as Madonna, that woman has fucked everyone,”

The second nun says, “I want to go back as Linda Lovelace, now there’s a whore!”

The third says, “I want to go back as Alice Kinpipaline!”

St. Peter says, “Sorry sister, there has never existed such a person.”

Upon persistence from the nun, St. Peter reviews all the past 100 years of newspapers he can find and finally exclaims, “No sister, the newspaper said THE ALASKAN PIPEPLINE WAS LAID BY 3000 MEN !!!”