Religious Jokes

The Dali Lama visits New York, approaches a hot dog stand and says,

“Make me one with everything.”

A young man, obviously of the upper class, was standing just outside the door of one of New York’s finest hotels, idly puffing at a cigarette, when he was approached by a man who was just as obviously of the laboring class.

The laborer said to the young man, “Hey, I’ll bet your father is rich.”

“Very rich,” said the upper-class fellow agreeably.

“And all your life, you’ve always had everything you want.”

“Just about.”

“And you’ve never done a single day’s work in your life.”

“I’m afraid that’s so.”

The laborer thought it over and said, “Well, you haven’t missed a thing.”

Father Delany was walking home after his sermon late one night when he came upon an intoxicated tramp on the sidewalk. Wanting to help, he asked the man, “Do you live here?”

“Yesh,” the man slowly replied.

“Would you like me to help you upstairs?” the father asked.

“Yesh,” the man slowly sputtered. When they got up to the second floor, the father asked, “Is this your floor?”

“Yesh,” the man again replied.

Then Father Delany got to thinking that maybe he didn’t want to face man’s irate wife because she might think he was the one who got the man drunk. So he opened the first door he came to and shoved him through it, then went back downstairs.

Lo and behold, when the father went back outside, there was another tramp lying on the sidewalk. So he asked this man, “Do you live here?”

“Yesh.”

“Would you like me to help you upstairs?”

“Yesh.”

So he did and pushed him in the same door with the first tramp.

Then the father went back downstairs, where, to his surprise, there was yet ANOTHER tramp! Before the priest got to this one, though, the tramp staggered over to a policeman and cried, “For God’s sake offisher, protect me from thish man. He’sh been doing nothing all night long but takin’ me upstairsh and throwing me down the elevator shaft!”

…You think Heinz Ketchup is SPICY!

…The sound of Fran Drescher’s voice doesn’t bother you.

…For breakfast, you’d rather have potatoes than grits.

…You can name at least 4 hockey teams.

…You don’t know what a moon pie is.

…You’ve never eaten Okra.

…You have never planned your summer vacation around a gun-and-knife show.

…You don’t have any problems pronouncing “Worcestershire sauce” correctly.

…You’ve never had grain alcohol.

…You are familiar with all the rules to Lacrosse.

…You have no idea what a polecat is.

…Whenever someone tells an off-color joke about farm animals, it goes over your head.

…You don’t see anything wrong with putting a sweater on a poodle.

…You’d rather vacation at Martha’s Vineyard than Six Flags.

…You don’t have a least one can of WD-40 somewhere around the house.

…You would rather have your son become a lawyer than grow up to get his own TV fishing show.

…You refer to two or more people as “you guys”.

…You think more money should go to important scientific research at your university than to pay the salary of the head football coach.

…You prefer a bagel over a doughnut.

…Most of your formative high school sexual experiences took place within the context of a football or hockey game.

…You don’t know anyone with two first names (i.e. Joe Bob, Billy Bob, Kay Bob)

…You get freaked out when people in public talk to you.

…You don’t know what a Piggly-Wiggly is.

…You think NASCAR stands for the North American Society for…(something)

…You eat fried chicken with a knife and fork.

…Your idea of a perfect meal is “Lahbsta and Clam Chawdah.”

…You use the horn in your car more than once or twice a year.

…Everything you know about the Civil War you learned watching TV.

…You don’t “reckon”.

…You’re not “fixin” to do anything.

…You don’t use paper sacks.

I got a new job down at the fishing supply store. I am a baiter. It takes about 3 months to become a senior baiter, and about a year to get a master’s certificate.

What the hell, it’s better that being one of those jack-offs at Walmart.