Religious Jokes

One Sunday an elderly man tells his wife he is going to apply for Social Security. She tells him, “You can’t apply for benefits when you don’t even have a Social Security card!” He simply says, “Watch me.”

Monday morning he dresses and off to the Social Security office he goes.

When he returns, he says, “Well, I got it!”

She asks, “How in the world did you get Social Security?”

“I just opened up my shirt and showed them all my gray hairs and they gave it to me.”

She says, “Well you should have dropped your drawers — you could have gotten disability too!”

A shy gentleman was preparing to board a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight. “This is exciting,” thought the gentleman. “I’ve always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I’ll be able to see him in person.”

Imagine his surprise when the Pope sat down in the seat next to him. Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to the Pontiff. Shortly after take-off, the Pope began a crossword puzzle.

“This is fantastic,” thought the gentleman. “I’m really good at crosswords. Perhaps, if the Pope gets stuck, he’ll ask me for assistance.”

Almost immediately, the Pope turned to the gentleman and said, “Excuse me, but do you know a four-letter word referring to a woman that ends in ‘unt?”

Only one word leapt to mind.

“My goodness,” thought the gentleman. “I can’t tell the Pope THAT. There must be another word.” The gentleman thought for quite awhile, then it hit him. Turning to the Pope, the gentleman said, “I think the word you’re looking for is ‘aunt.’”

“Oh, of course,” said the Pope. “Do you have an eraser?”

Old Aunt Dora went to her doctor to see what could be done about her constipation problem. “It’s terrible,” she said. “I haven’t moved my bowels in a week.”

“I see. Have you done anything about it?” asked the doctor.

“Oh, yes,” she replied. “I sit in the bathroom for a half hour in the morning and again at night.”

“No,” the doctor said. “I mean do you take anything?”

“Of course,” she answered. “I take a magazine in with me each time.”

The Lord spoke to Noah and said, “Noah, in six months I am going to make it rain until the whole world is covered with water and all the evil things are destroyed. But, I want to save a few good people and two of every living thing on the planet. I am ordering you to build an ark.”

And, in a flash of lightning, he delivered the specifications for the ark.

“OK,” Noah said, trembling with fear and fumbling with the
blueprints,”I’m your man.”

“Six months and it starts to rain,” thundered the Lord. “You better have my ark completed or learn to swim for a long, long time!”

Six months passed, the sky began to cloud up, and the rain began to fall in torrents. The Lord looked down and saw Noah sitting in his yard,weeping,and there was no ark.

“Noah!” shouted the Lord, “where is My ark?” A lightning bolt crashed into the ground right beside Noah.

“Lord, please forgive me!” begged Noah. “I did my best, but there were some big problems. First, I had to get a building permit for the ark’s construction, but your plans did not meet their code. So, I had to hire an engineer to redo the plans, only to get into a long argument with him about whether to include a fire-sprinkler system.”

“My neighbors objected, claiming that I was violating zoning ordinances by building the ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning board.”

“Then, I had a big problem getting enough wood for the ark,
because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists and the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service that I needed the wood to save the owls, but they wouldn’t let me catch them,
so no owls.”

“Next, I started gathering up the animals but got sued by an animal rights group that objected to me taking along only two of each kind.”

“Just when the suit got dismissed, the EPA notified me that I couldn’t complete the ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn’t take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of a Supreme Being.”

“Then, the Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed flood plan. I sent them a globe!”

“Right now, I’m still trying to resolve a complaint with the Equal Opportunities Commission over how many minorities I’m supposed to hire.”

“The IRS has seized all my assets claiming that I am trying to leave the country, and I just got a notice from the state that I owe some kind of use tax. Really, I don’t think I can finish the ark in less than five years.”

With that, the sky cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow arched across the sky.

Noah looked up and smiled. “You mean you are not going to destroy the world?” he asked hopefully.

“No,” said the Lord, “the government already is doing a fine job.”

Q: Whats the difference between a mother in law and bucket of shit?

A: The bucket.