Religious Jokes

So you think your life is bad.
Just think how bad the life of the egg is…

You only get laid once!
You only get eaten once!
It takes 4 minutes to get hard
2 minutes to get soft
You have to share a box with 11 other guys
And the only chick who ever sat on your face
was your mother.
(Now don’t you feel better)

The following is an excerpt from the July 1943 issue of Transportation Magazine.

This was serious and written for male supervisors of women in the work force during World War II - a mere 54 years ago! Obviously, the intent was not to be “funny,” but by today’s standards, this is hilarious! For those of you with efficiency issues, pay attention to #8.
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Eleven Tips on Getting More Efficiency Out of Women Employees:

There’s no longer any question whether transit companies should hire women for jobs formerly held by men. The draft and manpower shortage has settled that point. The important things now are to select the most efficient women available and how to use them to the best advantage.

Here are eleven helpful tips on the subject from Western Properties:

1. Pick young married women. They usually have more of a sense of responsibility than their unmarried sisters, they’re less likely to be flirtatious, they need the work or they wouldn’t be doing it, they still have the pep and interest to work hard and to deal with the public efficiently.

2. When you have to use older women, try to get ones who have worked outside the home at some time in their lives. Older women who have never contacted the public have a hard time adapting themselves and are inclined to be cantankerous and fussy. It’s always well to impress upon older women the
importance of friendliness and courtesy.

3. General experience indicates that “husky” girls - those who are just a little on the heavy side - are more even tempered and efficient than their underweight sisters.

4. Retain a physician to give each woman you hire a special physical examination - one covering female conditions. This step not only protects the property against the possibilities of lawsuit, but reveals whether the employee-to-be has any female weaknesses which would make her mentally or physically unfit for the job.

5. Stress at the outset the importance of time - the fact that a minute or two lost here and there makes serious inroads on schedules. Until this point is gotten across, service is likely to be slowed up.

6. Give the female employee a definite day-long schedule of duties so that they’ll keep busy without bothering the management for instructions every few minutes. Numerous properties say that women make excellent workers when they have their jobs cut out for them, but that they lack initiative in finding work themselves.

7. Whenever possible, let the inside employee change from one job to another at some time during the day. Women are inclined to be less nervous and happier with change.

8. Give every girl an adequate number of rest periods during the day. You have to make some allowances for feminine psychology. A girl has more confidence and is more efficient if she can keep her hair tidied, apply fresh lipstick and wash her hands several times a day.

9. Be tactful when issuing instructions or in making criticisms. Women are often sensitive; they can’t shrug off harsh words the way men do. Never ridicule a woman - it breaks her spirit and cuts off her efficiency.

10. Be reasonably considerate about using strong language around women. Even though a girl’s husband or father may swear vociferously, she’ll grow to dislike a place of business where she hears too much of this.

11. Get enough size variety in operator’s uniforms so that each girl can have a proper fit. This point can’t be stressed too much in keeping women happy.

Taoism: Shit Happens
Confucianism: Confucius say, “Shit Happens”
Buddhism: If Shit Happens, it isn’t really Shit
Zen (Rinzai): What is the sound of Shit Happening?
Zen (Soto): Shit just Happens
Hinduism: This Shit Happened before
Sikhism: Leave our Shit alone
Jainism: Don’t accidentally swallow flies and Shit
Islam: If Shit Happens, it is the will of Allah
Nation of Islam: Don’t take no Shit!
Hare Krishna: Shit Happens, Shit Happens, Rama Rama *ding ding*
Agnosticism: Does Shit Happen?
Atheism: No Shit!
Catholicism: Shit Happens because you are BAD
Protestantism: Catholics are full of Shit
Methodism: Let Shit Happen to somebody else
Calvinism: Shit Happens because you don’t work hard enough
Presbyterianism: This Shit was bound to Happen
Episcopalianism: If Shit Happens, hold a procession
Lutheranism: Shit Happens, but as long as you’re sorry, it’s OK
Anglicanism: Shit Happens, but only to Lutherans
Mormonism: Excrement Occurs
Baptist: You’re Shitting all wrong, and you’re going to hell for it,
too
Pentacostal: Praise the Shit!
Christian Science: Shit is all in your mind
Existentialism: What is Shit anyway?
Hedonism: There’s nothing like a good Shit Happening
Dadaism: Bathtub full of power tools
Jehovah’s Witness: Knock knock. Shit Happens!
Televangelism: Your tax-deductable donation can prevent this Shit from
Happening
Fundamentalism: There’s no Shit in the Bible
Creationism: Shit has only been Happening since October 23rd, 4004
B.C.
Judaism: Why does Shit always Happen to us?
Reform Judaism: Got any laxatives?
Moonies: Only happy Shit really Happens
Wicca: Shit is part of the Goddess, too
Paganism: Shit Happens for a variety of reasons
Pantheism: It’s all a bunch of Shit
Panentheism: Shit transcends us
Mysticism: This is some weird Shit
Unitarianism: Go ahead, Shit anywhere you want
Vegetarianism: If it Shits, don’t eat it
Scientology: All this Happens to be Shit
Church of the SubGenius: Shit has happened. For $20 “BoB” will sell you a way to MAKE MONEY FROM IT.
Discordianism: Hail Shit!
Seventh Day Adventist: No Shit on Saturdays
Amish: Shit is good for the soil
Stoicism: This Shit is good enough for me
Zoroastrianism: Shit Happens half the time
Rastafarianism: Let’s smoke this Shit
Voodoo: Let’s stick some pins in this Shit
Twelve Step Program: Shit Happens one day at a time
Environmentalism: Shit is biodegradable
New Age: It’s not Shit, it’s feldspar

Pick a number between 1 and 10. (Remember the number)

Double it.

Add 8 to the new number.

Divide that total by 2.

Subtract your original number.

You should now have a number between 1 and 8.

Match that number with its corresponding letter:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8
A B C D E F G H

Now take that letter and think of any country in the world
that begins with that letter.

Take the second letter in that country’s name and think of an animal that begins with that letter.

Now think about the color of that animal.

Now think about the country you chose, the animal, and its color. Really concentrate.

OK, reading you loud and clear. You have an excellent mind. I’m getting your mental image of the gray elephants in Denmark.

You might be a reneck if…

-You think potted meat on a saltine is an hors d’oeuvre.
-You’ve ever spraypainted your girlfriend’s name on an overpass.
-You’ve ever Christmas shopped at a truck stop.
-You think heaven looks alot like Daytona, Florida.
-You truly think God looks like Hank Williams Jr.
-You go to a stockcar race and don’t nead a program.
-Someone asks to see your I.D. and you show em your belt buckle.
-Directions to your house include “turn off the paved road.”
-You’ve ever used a weed eater indoors.
-You’ve ever been kicked out of the KKK for being a “bigot.”
-You’ve ever lost a tooth opening a beer bottle.
-Hail hits your house and you take it to the body shop for an estamate.
-You have a trash bad for a passenger side window.
-Thanksgiving supper was ruined cause you ran out of ketchup.
-You think of duct tape as a long term investment.
-You’ve ever hit a juke box with a cue stick.
-Hitchhikers won’t get in the car with you.
-You can spit without opening your mouth.
-You only need one more hole punched in your card before you get a “freebie” at the House of Tatoos.