Religious Jokes

The visiting church school supervisor asks little Johnny during Bible class who broke down the walls of Jericho. Little Johnny replies that he does not know, but it definitely is not him.

The supervisor, taken aback by this lack of basic Bible knowledge, goes to the school principal and relates the whole incident.

The principal replies that he knows little Johnny, as well as his whole family very well and can vouch for them, and if little Johnny said that he did not do it, he, as principal is satisfied that it is the truth.

Even more appalled, the inspector goes to the Regional Head of Education and relates the whole story.

After listening, he replies: “I can’t see why you are making such a big issue out of this; just get three quotes and fix the damned wall!”

Jesus is wandering around Jerusalem when he decides he really needs a new robe. After looking around, he sees a sign for ‘Finkelstein, the Tailor.’

He goes in and Finkelstein prepares a new robe for him, which is a perfect fit.

When Jesus asks how much he owes, Finkelstein brushes him off:
“No, no, no, for the Son of God? There’s no charge! However, may I ask a small favor? Maybe whenever you give a sermon you could just mention a little something
about how your nice new robe was made by Finkelstein the Tailor.”

Jesus readily agrees and, as promised, plugs Finkelstein’s robes every time he preaches.

Some months later, he is walking through Jerusalem and happens by Finkelstein’s shop. There is a huge line of people waiting for Finkelstein’s robes. He pushes his way through the crowd to speak to Finkelstein.

“Jesus, Jesus, look what a marvel you’ve been for business,” gushed Finkelstein. “Would you consider a partnership?”

“Sure, sure,” replies Jesus. “‘Jesus & Finkelstein’ it is.”

“Uh, no, no,” says Finkelstein. “‘Finkelstein & Jesus.’ After all, I am the craftsman.”

The two of them debated this for some time. Their discussion was long, spirited, but ultimately fruitful. Finally, they come up with a mutually acceptable compromise.

A few days later, the new sign went up over Finkelstein’s shop…

“LORD & TAILOR”

Airplanes and women: A comparison

1. An airplane will kill you quickly-a woman takes her time.
2. Airplanes like to do it inverted.
3. Airplanes can be turned on by a flick of a switch.
4. An airplanes thrust to weight is higher.
5. An airplane dosn’t get mad if you “touch and go”.
6. An airplane does not object to a preflight inspection.
7. Airplanes come with manuals.
8. Airplanes have strict weight and balance limits.
9. You can fly and airplane at any time of the month.
10. Airplanes don’t have parents.
11. Airplanes don’t care how many other planes you’ve flown.
12. Airplanes don’t whine unless there is something really wrong.
13. When flying, you and your airplane both arrive at the same time.
14. Airplanes don’t mind if you look at other airplanes or buy airplane magazines.
15. If your airplane is loose, you can tighten it
16. It’s always okay to use tiedowns on your airplane.

An elderly man goes into confession and says to the priest, “Father, I’m 80 years old, married, have four kids and 11 grandchildren. I started taking this new Viagra pill, and last night I had an affair and made love to two 18-year-old girls. Both of them. Twice.”

The priest said: “Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?”

“Never Father, I’m Jewish.”

“So then, why are you telling me?” responded the priest.

“Hell! I’m telling everybody!”

1) What did the waiter ask the group of dining Jewish mothers?
“Is ANYTHING all right?”

2) Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife?
Under the vacuum cleaner.

3) How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
(Sigh) Don’t bother, I’ll sit in the dark, I don’t want to be a nuisance to anybody.

4) Sam Levy was driving down the road, gets pulled over by a policeman. Walking up to Sam’s car, the policeman says, “Did you know your wife fell out of the car 5 miles back?”
Sam replies, “Oh thank God … I’d thought I’d gone deaf!”

5) Short summary of every Jewish Holiday: “They tried to kill us …we won … let’s eat!”

6) A bum walks up to a Jewish mother on the street and says, “Lady, I haven’t eaten in three days.”
“Force yourself,” she replies.

7) What’s the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish Mother?
Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.
A young Jewish man calls his mother and says, “Mom, I’m bringing home a wonderful woman I want to marry. She’s a Native American and her name is Shooting Star.”
“How nice,” says his mother.
“I have an Indian name too,” he says. “It’s ‘Running Water’ and you have to call me that from now on.”
“How nice,” says his mother.
“You have to have an Indian name too, Mom,” he says.
“I already do,” says the mother. “Just call me Sitting Shiva.”

9) A man calls his mother in Florida. “Mom, how are you?”
“Not too good,” says the mother. “I’ve been very weak.”
Concerned the son asks, “Why are you so weak?”
“Because I haven’t eaten in 38 days,” she replies.
Shocked, the man responds, “That’s terrible. Why haven’t you eaten in 38 days?”
The mother answers, “Because I didn’t want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call.”

10) Jewish view on when life begins:
- Actually, there is no controversy on when life begins. In Jewish tradition the fetus is not considered viable until after it graduates from medical school.

11) A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he’s been given a part in the school play. “Wonderful. What part is it?” she asks. The boy excitedly answers, “I play the part of the Jewish husband.” The mother scowls and says, “Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part!”

12) Jewish telegram: “Begin worrying. Details to follow.”

13) 5760 - Year according to Jewish calendar.
4696 - Year according to Chinese calendar.
1064 - Total number of years that Jews went without Chinese food.