Religious Jokes

Father Christmas, the tooth fairy, the perfect man and the perfect woman in a lift. Someone farts, who is it?

The perfect man because the other three don’t exist.

ALL I REALLY NEED TO KNOW ABOUT LIFE I LEARNED FROM NOAH’S ARK

1 Don’t miss the boat.

2 Don’t forget we are all in the same boat.

3 Plan ahead, it wasn’t raining when Noah built the Ark.

4 Stay fit-when you are 600 years old, someone might just ask you to do something really big.

5 Don’t listen to critics, just get on with what has to be done.

6 For safety’s sake, travel in pairs.

7 Two heads are better than one.

8 Build your future on higher ground.

9 Speed isn’t always an advantage. After all the snails were on the same ark with the cheetas.

10 When you are stressed, float a while.

11 Remember the ark was built by amateurs, the Titanic was built by professionals.

12 Remember that the woodpeckers inside are a larger threat than the storm.

13 No matter what the storm, when God is with you, there’s a rainbow waiting.

The Italian virgin Maria had just got married and being a traditional Italian, she was still a virgin. So, on her wedding night, staying at her mother’s house, she was nervous. But her mother reassured her: “Don’t worry, Maria. Tony’s a good man. Go upstairs and he’ll take care of you.”

So up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, “Mama, Mama, Tony’s got a big hairy chest.”

“Don’t worry, Maria,” says the mother, “All good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He’ll take good care of you.”

So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony, took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother. “Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he’s got hairy legs!”

“Don’t worry. All good men have hairy legs. Tony’s a good man. Go upstairs and he’ll take good care of you.”

So up she went again. When she got up there, Tony took off his socks and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs.”Mama, Mama, Tony’s got a foot and a half!”

“Stay here and stir the pasta,” says the mother. “This is a job for, Mama.”

It was time for Father John’s Saturday night bath, and young nun, Sister Magdalene had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed.

Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Fr. John’s nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray.

The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone.

Oh, sister,” said the young nun dreamily. “I’ve been saved.”
“Saved? And how did that fine thing come about?” asked the old nun.

“Well, when Fr. John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven.”

“Did he now?” said the old nun evenly.

Sister Magdalene continued, “And Fr. John said that if the Key to Heaven fit my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured of salvation and eternal peace. And then Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock.”

“Is that a fact?” said the old nun even more evenly.

“At first it hurt terribly, but Fr. John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved.”

“That wicked old Devil!” said the old nun. “He told me it was Gabriel’s Horn, and I’ve been blowing it for 40 years.”

Sam was very proud of his Texas heritage and lived there until he died. When he arrived in heaven, St. Peter gave him the deluxe tour.

Behind the first door was a beautiful tropical beach. Sam poked his head in to look, but quickly announced that Galveston had nicer beaches. Behind the second door was the most mind-boggling amusement park ever imagined, but Sam said he was sure Dallas had more impressive parks.

After a dozen more such responses, an annoyed St. Peter pulled him to the edge of a nearby cliff overlooking Hell and shouted, “You see that enormous lake of fire and brimstone? Have you anything like that in Texas?”

“Well, no,” Sam replied sheepishly, “but I do know a guy in Houston who can put it out for you.”