Religious Jokes

Two golfers are waiting their turn on the tee when a naked woman runs across the fairway and into the woods.

Two men in white coats and another guy carrying two buckets of sand are chasing her, and a little old man is bringing up the rear.

One of the golfers grabs the old man and says, “What the hell is going on?”

The old guy says, “She’s a nymphomaniac from an asylum, she keeps trying to escape, and us attendants are trying to catch her.”

The golfer says, “What about the guy with the buckets of sand?”

The old guy says, “That’s his handicap. He caught her last time.”

Question: What does a sadist do to torture a masochist?
Answer: Nothing.

An old lady and her husband are walking to their house one night after an evening out on the town. She hears a buzzing noise and searches throughout the house to see what it is but can’t figure it out. So she goes in to her daughter’s room to find her on the end of her bed with a vibrator.

The old lady says, “What the hell are you doing!!??”

The daughter replies, “Mom, I am 40 years old, I’m ugly, I’ve never had a boyfriend AND I NEVER WILL, this all the pleasure I can get!”

“Well, ok,” says the old lady.

The next day the old lady wallks in and hears the buzzing noise again. She knows it is not her daughter because she is at the store. She looks around the house and finally finds the old man sitting in front of the T.V with a beer in one hand and the vibrator in the other.

“What are you doing??!!” she exclaims.

“Nothin’,” he says “I was just havin’ a conversation with my son in law.”

A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort up north. The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn; the wife preferred to read.

One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a short nap.
The wife decided to take the boat out. She was not familiar with the lake so she rowed out, anchored the boat, and started reading her book.

Along comes the sheriff in his boat, pulls up alongside and says, “Good morning, Ma’am. What are you doing?”

“Reading my book,” she replies as she thinks to herself, ‘Is this guy blind, or what?’

“You’re in a restricted fishing area,” he informs her.

“But, Officer, I’m not fishing. Can’t you see that?”

“But you have all this equipment, Ma’am. I’ll have to take you in and write you up.”

“If you do that I will charge you with rape,” snaps the irate woman.

“I didn’t even touch you,” grouses the sheriff.

“Yes, that’s true….but you have all the equipment.”

In a young classroom, three young children are discussing their fathers’ careers.

The first boy says, “My Dad writed words on a piece of paper. He calls it a poem, and gets paid £100 for it.” The boys agree this is impressive.

The second boy says, “My Dad also writes words on a piece of paper. He calls his a song and gets paid £1000 for it.” They all agree this is also impressive.

The third boy says, “My Dad writes words on a piece of paper as well. He calls his a sermon, and it takes four people to collect all the money.”