Religious Jokes

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from under table and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing a wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat’s throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered Doulton figurines from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply Bandaids to spouse’s forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbour’s shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw T-shirt away and get a new one from bedroom.

12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the street. Apologize to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrapper.

13. Tie cat’s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining room table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed, force cat’s mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by a large piece of steak. Hold head vertically and pour a pint of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

Have you heard of the new paint Sherwin Williams came up with?

It’s called blonde, not very bright and easy to spread!

One day there were 3 blondes who were locked out of their car trying to open it with a hanger.

One blonde tried to use a hanger. It didn’t work.

Another blonde tried the same thing but it didn’t work. Same thing happened to the other blonde.

Then the clouds started to form and the blonde who owned the car said, “Hurry up, it is about to rain and the top is still down.”

Back in the olden days, a man was traveling through Switzerland. Nightfall was rapidly approaching, and the man had nowhere to sleep. He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night.

The farmer told him that it would be all right, and that he could sleep in the barn. The man went into the barn to bed down and the farmer went back into the house.
The farmer’s daughter came down from upstairs and asked the farmer, “Who was that man going into the barn?”

“That’s some fellow traveling through,” answered the farmer. “He needed a place to stay for the night, so I said that he could sleep in the barn.”

The daughter then asked the farmer, “Did you offer the man anything to eat?”

“Gee, no, I didn’t,” the farmer answered.

The daughter said, “Well, I’m going to take him some food.”

She went into the kitchen, prepared a plate of food and then took it out to the barn. The daughter was in the barn for an hour before returning to the house. When she came back in, her clothes were all disheveled and buttoned up wrong, and she had several strands of straw tangled up in her long blonde hair. She immediately went up the stairs to her bedroom and went to sleep.

A little later, the farmer’s wife came down and asked the farmer why their daughter went to bed so early.

“I don’t know,” said the farmer. “I told a man that he could sleep in the barn and our daughter took him some food.”

“Oh,” replied the wife. “Well, did you offer the man anything to drink?”

“Umm, no, I didn’t,” said the farmer.

The wife then said, “I’m going to take something out there for him to drink.”

The wife went to the cellar, got a bottle of wine, then went out to the barn. She did not return for over an hour, and when she came back into the house, her clothes were also messed up and she had straw twisted into her blonde hair. She went straight up the stairs and into bed.

The next morning at sunrise, the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left the farm.

A few hours later, the daughter woke up and came rushing downstairs. She went right out to the barn, only to find it empty. She ran back into the house. “Where’s the man from the barn?” she eagerly asked the farmer.

Her father answered, “He left several hours ago.”

“What?” she cried. “He left without saying good bye? After all we had together? I mean, last night he made such passionate love to me!”

“What?” shouted the father. “He took advantage of you?”

The farmer ran out into the front yard looking for the man but by now the man was halfway up the side of the mountain. The farmer screamed up at him, “I’m gonna get you! You had sex with my daughter!”

The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hands next to his mouth and yelled out,

(You ready for this?)

“I laid the old laDEE, too!”

So that is how yodeling came about.

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who’s dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses this guy. “Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?”
The guy replies, “I’m Joe Cohen of Noo Yawk City. I drove a cab for 25 years.”

Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi-driver, “Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven.”

The taxi-driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it’s the minister’s turn. He stands erect and booms out, “I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary’s for the last forty-three years.”

Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, “Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven.”

“Just a minute,” says the minister. “That man was a taxi-driver and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?”

“Up here, we work by results,” says Saint Peter. “While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed.”