Religious Jokes

There was a young boy just learning to be an altar boy, and he was very nervous. On his first Sunday, there was a special service, and the Priest explained to him that when he said, “And the Angels lit the candles,” the alter boy was to come out and light the candles.

Sunday morning came, and the service was going along just fine until it came to the part where the Priest said, “And the Angels lit the candles.” Nothing happened.

Once again, the Priest said “And the Angels lit the candles.” Still no response.

By now the Priest was getting a little upset, so he intones very loudly, “AND THE ANGELS LIT THE CANDLES,” which finally got a response.

The little altar boy comes running out saying, “and the cat peed on the matches!”

Three chinese were being interviewed to get into heaven. St. Peter asks them, “Tell me what you know about Easter.”

The 1st Guy says, “Easter wary big howaday, kids dress up funny, go to neighbor and get candy.”

“NO NO, that’s halloween.”

The 2nd Guy says, “Easter wary big howaday, family all get together, have big turkey dinner.”

“NO NO NO, you’re also confused, that’s Thanksgiving.”

The 3rd Guy says, “Easter we celebrate Jesus, how he die for us on cross.”

“Very good,” says St. Peter, “Tell me more!”

“Jesus buried in tomb for three day and come back to life,” the 3rd man continued.

“Excellent!! Finish the story, please!”

“Third day Jesus come out of tomb, see shadow, go back in tomb, get 6 more weeks of winter.

Three little boys were concerned because they couldn’t get anyone to play with them. They thought it was because they weren’t baptized.

So they went to the nearest church. Only the custodian was there. One kid said, “We’ve got to be baptized ’cause no one will play with us. Will you baptize us?”

So the custodian took them in the bathroom and dunked them in the toilet bowl, one at a time. He said, “Now, go out and play.”

When they got outside dripping wet, the oldest one asked, “What religion are we? We’re not Catholic ’cause they pour the water on you, and we’re not Baptist ’cause they dunk your whole body.”

The youngest one said, “I smelled that water, and I know what we are. We’re Pisscopalians.”

A man sat in a bar without money hoping to somehow score a free drink.

Thinking up a clever plan, as he was a wood lover he makes a bet with the barman that he can identify any wood by just smelling it, even blind folded.

The barman ran outside, picked up a pine and asked the man to smell it, he did so and said, “This is pine.”

Giving him his free drink the barman ran out again and picked up an oak asked the man to smell and he said, “This is oak.”

The barman would not lose this contest and went outside for another type of wood. Not getting any, he got a prostitute and stationed her in front of the blindfolded man, saying, “Smell this,” and placing the girl’s private’s in his nose, The man smelled and said, “I cannot make out what type of wood this is, turn it around please.”

Pointing her behind in his nose, he started smelling then exclaimed, “Well, this is the first time I come across this type of wood, I don’t know what it is but I can tell you what it was used for. It is and old toilet door that was used in a fish shop.”

A few months after his parents were divorced, little Johnny passed by his mother’s bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and saying, “I need a man, I need a man.”

Over the next couple of months he saw her doing this several times. One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her room he saw a naked man on top of her.

Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed and started stroking himself and began moaning, “Ohhhhh, I need a bike! I need a bike!”