Religious Jokes

It was siesta time in the sleepy Mexican village. Pedro reclined on the sidewalk while his favorite ass, Pablo, stood nearby. An American tourist wandered by, stopped to click a few photos of Pedro and Pablo, then in jest, asked Pedro if he knew what time it was.

Pedro looked up at him, quietly reached over, hefted Pablo’s huge nuts, squinted at them, said “Two-fifteen, senor,” then went back to his siesta. When the tourist checked his watch, it said 2:15! Amazed by this, the tourist took a few photos of Pablo’s nuts, then left.

He told all the people on the tour bus about the man who could tell the time by lifting his asses’ nuts. Of course they didn’t believe it so they had to come see.

Ten minutes later there was a crowd of incredulous American tourists around Pedro. One obnoxious tour member asked Pedro, “Say fella, my friend says you can tell the time by lifting this here asses’ nuts. So, what time is it?” Pedro calmly reached over, hefted Pablo’s nuts, squinted a bit, then said “Two twenty five.” They all looked at their watches and sure enough, it was 2:25!

Then the bidding began for Pablo, the Wonder Ass. When it had reached one thousand twenty five dollars, Pedro accepted, took the money, handed Pablo over to the obnoxious tourist who wanted to know how this incredible time-telling asso worked. Pablo was happy to comply.

“Senor, please seet here.”
“OK.”
“Now, reech over and leeft the nuts.”
“Alright fella, but I still don’t know the time”
“Senor, bend down a leettle bit.”
“What for?”
“Just a little more senor.”
“What’s the deal here, buddy?”
“Now look carefully, senor.”
The tourist gazed intently at Pablo’s nuts.
“I don’t see a thing.”
“But senor is looking in the wrong place. See the clock tower behind the nuts?”

The story is told of a lady who was rather old fashioned, always quite delicate and elegant, especially in her language. She and her husband were planning a weeks vacation to Florida, so she wrote to a particular campground asking for a reservation. She wanted to make sure the campground was fully equipped, but didn’t quite know how to ask about the toilet facilities.

She just couldn’t bring herself to write the word “toilet” in her letter. After much deliberation, she finally came up with the old fashioned term BATHROOM COMMODE, but when she wrote that down, she thought she was being too forward. So she started all over again, rewrote the entire letter and referred to the bathroom commode merely as the “BC”. “Does the campground have its own BC?” is what she actually wrote.

Well, the campground owner wasn’t old-fashioned at all and when he got the letter he just couldn’t figure out what the woman was talking about. That “BC” business really stumped him. After worrying about it for awhile he showed the letter to several campers, but they couldn’t figure out what the lady meant either. So the campground owner finally coming to the conclusion that the lady must be asking about the local Baptist Church, sat down and wrote the lady the following reply.

Dear Madam,

I regret very much the delay in answering your letter, but I now take great pleasure in informing you that a BC is located nine miles north of the campground and is capable of seating 250 people at one time. I admit it is quite a distance away, if you are in the habit of going regularly, but no doubt you will be pleased to know that a great number of people take their lunches along and make a day of it. They usually arrive early and stay late. It is such a beautiful facility and the acoustics are marvelous; even the normal delivery sounds can be heard. The last time my wife and I went was six years ago, and it was so crowded we had to stand up the whole time we were there. It may interest you to know that right now there is a supper planned to raise money to buy more seats. They are going to hold it in the basement of the BC. I would like to say it pains me very much not being able to go more regularly, but it is surely no lack of desire on my part. As we grow older it seems to be more of an effort, particularly in cold weather. If you decide to come down to our campground, perhaps I could go with you the first time you go, sit with you, and introduce you to all the other folks. (Remember, this is a friendly community.)

What is the difference between the front row of the Labour cabinet and a circus?

One has a cunning array of stunts…

A new minister in a small town spent the first four days desperately calling on the membership, begging them to come to his first services….He failed.

Early the following week, he placed a notice in the local newspaper stating that, as the church was dead, it was his duty to give it a decent Christian burial. The funeral would be held the following Sunday afternoon, the notice said.

Morbidly curious, the whole town turned out. In front of the pulpit, they saw a high coffin, smothered in flowers. The minister read the obituary and delivered a eulogy; he then invited his congregation to step forward and pay their respects to the dearly beloved who had departed. The long line filed by. Each mourner peeped into the coffin and then turned away with a guilty, sheepish look.

In the coffin, tilted at the correct angle, was a large mirror. Everyone saw himself.

There was a man named Bubba who knew EVERYONE in the whole world!!!

Once when Bubba got a new job, Bubba says to his new boss, “Boss, I know everyone in the whole world!” His boss doesn’t believe him, so he says “No, you do not know everyone in the whole world,” but Bubba says “Yes I do!” So Bubba’s boss says “Well prove it!” Then Bubba says, “Pick someone… and I know them!”

Well Bubba’s boss thinks for a minute and then comes up with a name. “Tom Selleck! I bet you don’t know Tom Selleck!” Bubba says “Tom Selleck! Tom and I were in Boy Scouts together when we were kids!” But Bubba’s boss says, “No you weren’t!” then Bubba says “Yes we were!”

So they fly to Hollywood and drive up to Tom Selleck’s house. Bubba knocks on the door and Tom Selleck answers and Bubba goes “Tom!!!” and Tom goes “Bubba!” and they hug and catch up for 30 minutes and Bubba’s boss can’t believe it. But then he thinks, “Well that could happen, it’s just one person,” so he tells Bubba and Bubba says “OK, pick somebody else!”

This time Bubba’s boss has someone in mind. “The President, Bill Clinton! You don’t know Bill Clinton!” but Bubba says “Oh yes I do! Bill and I were on debate team together in college!” Bubba’s boss says, “No you weren’t!” and Bubba says, “Yes we were!” so they fly to Washington and they catch up with the President at a press conference.

They work their way through the crowd until Bubba gets close enough to catch Clinton’s eye and waves “Bill!” and the President waves “Bubba!” and after the press conference they hug and catch up for 30 minutes and Bubba’s boss is
stunned — he can’t believe it. But then he thinks, “Well that’s just two people in one country — that doesn’t mean he knows everyone in the whole world!” so he tells Bubba and Bubba says “OK, pick someone out of the world spectrum and I know them!”

And Bubba’s boss knows just who to pick so he says, “The Pope! You do not know the Pope!” and Bubba says, “The Pope! The Pope BAPTIZED me!” and Bubba’s boss says, “No he didn’t!” and Bubba says, “Yes he did!” So they fly to Rome where the Pope is giving Mass in front of hundreds of thousands of people. They work their way through the crowd– without much luck– so Bubba says, “Boss, we’re never gonna get there together through all these people so I tell you what–I’ll work my way up there and when I do, I’ll give you a sign that shows you I know the Pope!” and he leaves. Well Bubba’s boss waits and waits and waits and just when he’s about to give up, he sees the Pope come out onto the balcony and right there beside him is Bubba!

Shortly afterwards, Bubba’s boss passes out. Bubba comes back and finds his boss passed out and he fans him and says “Boss! Boss! Wake up!” and when his boss comes to, he asks “Boss, what happened?”

Bubba’s boss looks at Bubba and says “OK, I can see Tom Selleck. I can see Bill Clinton… hell, I can even take the Pope! But when somebody standing next to me asks ‘Who’s that up there with Bubba?’ that’s a little more than I can take!”