Religious Jokes

A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend from across the street and asked him to cover for him. The rabbi told him he wouldn`t know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he`d stay with him for a little bit and show him what to do.

The rabbi comes and he and the priest are in the confessional. In a few minutes a woman comes in and says “Father forgive me for I have sinned. I committed adultery.”

Priest says: “How many times?”

Woman: “Three times.”

Priest says, “Say two Hail Marys, put $5.00 in the box, and sin no more.”

A few minutes later a man enters the confessional. He says, “Father forgive me for I have sinned.”

Priest says, “What did you do?”

Man says, “I committed adultery.”

Priest asks, “How many times?”

Man replys, “Three times.”

Priest says, “Say two Hail Marys, put $5.00 in the box, and sin no more.”

The Rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he`s got it so the priest leaves. A few minutes later another woman enters and says, “Father forgive me for I have sinned.”

Rabbi says, “What did you do?”

Woman replys, “I committed adultery.”

Rabbi asks, “How many times?”

Woman says “Once.”

Rabbi says, “Go do it two more times, we have a special this week, three for $5.00.”

A retired four-star general ran into his former orderly, also retired, in a Manhattan bar and spent the rest of the evening persuading him to come work for him as his valet.

“Your duties will be exactly the same as they were in the army,” the general said. “Nothing to it–you’ll catch on again fast.”

Next morning, promptly at eight o’clock, the ex-orderly entered the ex-general’s bedroom, pulled open the drapes, gave the general a gentle shake, strode around to the other side of the bed, spanked his employer’s wife on her bottom and said, “OK, Sweetheart, it’s back to the village for you!”

A Pope died and went to Heaven and was met by St. Peter.
St. Peter greeted him warmly and said, “Sir you have been such a good servant, We would like to offer you anything you want too make you feel at home”.

The Pope said, “I have always thought I would like to drive through Heaven in a long white limousine”.

St. Pete said, “I’m sorry, that’s the one thing that we can’t grant”.

The Pope said, “I understand” and walked away.

About that time, a long white limosine pulled up to the curb and a man got out.

The Pope went back to St. Peter and said, “I thought you didn’t have any limosines in Heaven”.

“I didn’t say we don’t have any, I just said you can’t have one.

The Pope asked, a little dejected, “Who is he and why does he get one?”.

“He is a lawyer,” replied St. Peter.

“I still don’t understand”, protested the Pope.

“Look”, said St. Peter, “We have hundreds of Popes, thousands of cardinals and bishops, but he is the only lawyer…”

There was a priest who heard too many confessions of adultery, that he threatened that if one more person was to say the word “Adultery,” he would quit his job as a priest. The citizens used the word FALLEN as a replacement for the word “adultery.”

Ten years later, the priest died. A new priest arrived in the town, unaware of the code word. After many weeks of hearing confessions of people falling, the priest went to the mayor. He told the mayor that some repair work should be done on the town’s streets because many of the citizens are falling.

The Mayor started to laugh hysterically at the innocent priest. Then the Priest said, “You shouldn’t be laughing, your wife has fallen 3 times this week!”

A new blonde bride calls her mother in tears. She sobs, “Robert doesn’t appreciate what I do for him.”

“Now, now,” her mother comforted, “I am sure it was all just a misunderstanding.”

“No, Mother,” the young woman laments. “I bought a frozen turkey loaf, and he yelled at about the price.”

“Well, that surely is being miserly,” the mother agreed. “Those turkey rolls are only a few dollars.”

“No, Mother, it wasn’t the price of the turkey roll. It was the airplane ticket.”

“Airplane ticket?…What did you need an airplane ticket for?”

“Well, Mother, when I went to fix it, I looked at the directions on the back, and it said ‘PREPARE FROM A FROZEN STATE,’ so I flew to Alaska.”