Religious Jokes

A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran, she prayed, “Dear Lord, please don’t let me be late! Dear Lord, please don’t let me be late!”

As she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress.

She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again. Again, she prayed, “Dear Lord, please don’t let me be late!…But don’t shove me either!”

yo mama so poor,
her checks bounce more than the whole cast of Baywatch!

There was once a man who couldn’t speak. Everyday, he prayed for God to give him a voice. One day God decided to answer the man’s prayers, so He sprayed Holy Water on the man, miraculously giving him the ability to speak.

The man’s first words were: “Who the fuck sprayed water on me!”

So this poor dude is talking to this rich dude about what they got their wives for Christmas… the rich dude tells the poor dude: “I bought my wife a diamond ring and a Mercedes Benz.”

The poor dude sez: “Why the fuck did you buy two expensive-ass gifts like that?”

So the rich dude sez: “Well, if my wife doesn’t like the diamond ring, at least she’ll have a nice car to drive to the store so she can exchange it for something she likes. What did YOU buy your wife for Christmas?”

“Well,” the poor dude sez, “I bought her a pair of flip-flops and a dildo.”

“A dildo?” the rich dude sez, “Why’d you buy your wife a dildo?”

“So if she don’t like the the flip flops, she can go fuck herself.”

There was a little boy in kindergarten. At the end of one cold winter day, when all the other children were leaving, the teacher found him crying, so she asked him what was wrong.

He sobbed, “I can’t find my boots.”

The teacher looked around the classroom and saw a pair of boots. “Are these yours?”

“No, they’re not mine,” said the little boy, shaking his head.

The teacher and the boy searched all over the classroom for his boots.

Finally, the teacher gave up, “Are you SURE those boots are not yours?”

“I’m sure,” the boy sobbed, “mine had snow on them.”