Religious Jokes

Little Johnny was so rotton that his mother didn’t know what to do with him. It was getting close to his birthday and he was demanding a new bicycle. His mother told him that he had been so bad during the year that he wasn’t going to get ANYTHING. He whined and complained and stamped his feet–demanding the bike. His mother, in desperation and just trying to shut him up, said, “Why don’t you write a letter to Jesus and ask Him for the bicycle?”
So Johnny went to his room, got out pencil and paper and proceeded to ask Jesus for a new bike.

“Dear Jesus, I promise I will be good for SIX whole weeks if only you will give me a bicycle!” —He looked at what he wrote—knew he could not be good for that long and tore up the letter. He started again–”Dear Jesus. I will be good for THREE whole weeks if only you will give me a bicycle.” Once again, he had written the impossible and tore up the letter. “Dear Jesus, How does ONE week sound?” again, he tore it up.

Finally, he sneaked into his mother’s room, stole a statue of the Virgin Mary, hid it in his underwear drawer, and wrote, “Dear Jesus, if you ever want to see your mother again–I’d better get that new bike!”

What a woman says:

“This place is a mess! C’mon, you and I need to clean up, your stuff is lying on the floor and you’ll have no clothes to wear if we don’t do laundry right now!”

What a man hears:

blah, blah, blah, blah, C’MON
blah, blah, blah, blah, YOU AND I
blah, blah, blah, blah, ON THE FLOOR
blah, blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES
blah, blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW

yo momma so damn dumb when the judge said “Order in the court,” she said she’ll take some fries, a shake, etc.

yo momma so damn dumb she thinks speed dial is fast acting soap.

While working on a lesson in world religions, a kindergarten teacher asked her students to bring something related to their family’s faith to class.

At the appropriate time, she asked the students to come forward and share with the rest of the students.

The first child said, “I am Muslim, and this is my prayer rug.”

The second child said, “I am Jewish, and this is the Star of David.”

The third child said, “I am Catholic, and this is my rosary.”

The final child said, “I am Southern Baptist, and this is my casserole dish.”

As the dentist was putting on his rubber gloves, he asked the elderly lady, “Do you know how they make these rubber gloves?”

She said, “No.”

“Well,” he spoofed, “down in Puerto Rico they have this big building set up with a large tank of latex, and the natives walk up to the tank, and dip their hands in — and then walk around for a bit while the latex sets up — then they peel off the gloves and throw them into the big ‘Finished Goods Crate’, and go around again.”

She didn’t laugh a bit.

Five minutes later, during the procedure, he had to stop working on her teeth because she burst out laughing.

She explained, “I just suddenly thought about how they must make condoms!”