Religious Jokes

A priest and a rabbi operated a church and a synagogue across the street from each other. Since their schedules intertwined, they decided to go in together to buy a car.

After the purchase, they drove it home and parked it on the street between them.

A few minutes later, the Rabbi looked out and saw the priest sprinkling water on their new car. It didn’t need a wash, so he hurried out and asked the priest what he was doing. “I’m blessing it,” the priest replied.

The Rabbi considered this a moment, then went back inside the synagogue. He reappeared a moment later with a hacksaw, walked over to the back of the car and cut off two inches of the tailpipe.

A reporter, interviewing an old fisherman who had reached his 99th birthday, said, “I certainly hope I can come back again next year and see you reach 100.”

“Can’t see why not, young man,” the old fisherman said. “You look healthy enough to me.”

WHERE THE DOG AND CAT CAME FROM

A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to “Where do pets come from?”

Adam said, “Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me every day. Now I do not see you anymore. I am lonesome here and it is difficult for me to remember how much you love me.”

And God said, “No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourself.”

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and he wagged his tail. And Adam said, “Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.”

And God said, “No problem. Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, “and you will call him DOG.”

And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him.

And Adam was comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that Adam’s guardian angel came to the Lord and said, “Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and preens like peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but perhaps too well.”

And God said, “No problem! I will create for him a companion who will be with him forever and who will see him as he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not always worthy of adoration.”

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam.

And Cat would not obey Adam. And when Adam gazed into Cat’s eyes, he was reminded that he was not the supreme being. And Adam learned humility.

And God was pleased. And Adam was greatly improved. And Dog was happy. And the cat didn’t give a shit one way or the other.

A lovely young Jewish girl was employed by a clothing firm in New York. She and her widowed mother shared the same ambition: marriage to a wealthy man. One day she returned from work, eyes red from crying. As soon as she entered the apartment she called, “MAMA, I’m pregnant! Don’t get excited. The father is my boss.”

She began to sob uncontrollably while her mother tried to console her. The next morning, the mother charged into the office of the boss. “YOU,” she shouted, “What’s going to be?”

The elegantly attired man, handsome and unmarried and in his mid thirties, held up his hand: “Please take a seat, Mrs. Horowitz. I’m making all the arrangements. Your daughter will have the best doctor money can buy before the baby is born. She’ll be in the best hospital. And afterward, I am arranging for a trust fund for her where she will receive a check for twenty-five hundred dollars a week.”

The mother was taken aback and thought for a moment. “Tell me,” she said, “God forbid, she should have a miscarriage, will you give her another chance?”

If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.

Everyone has a photographic memory; some don’t have film.

The universe is a figment of its own imagination.

If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.

There are three kinds of people: Those who can count; those who can’t.

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

Death is hereditary.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Multitasking - screwing up several things at once.

Dyslexics of the world, etinu!

How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

Friends may come and go, but enemies tend to accumulate.

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

I used to have an open mind, but my brains kept falling out.

If you can’t convince them confuse them.

A good pun is its own reword.

Why do psychics have to ask you your name?

There’s no future in time travel.

“Drink your milk, before it gets cold.”

“Don’t chew with your mouth full.”