Religious Jokes

The popular belief is that Heaven and Hell are one under the other. The actual layout is side by side, separated by a wooden fence.

One afternoon on the etheral planes, a group of demons are playing football and manage to crash into the fence, demolishing a large part of it.

God, anger in His eyes, roars over the fence to Satan, “Your little demons did this - therefore you must repair it!”

“Fine,” says Satan. “I’ve got all the builders and contractors over here anyway.”

However, the entire fence is rebuilt four foot further over into heaven.

God was furious!! Storming over to the fence, He shouts,
“You evil bastard!! I’ll sue you for this!!”

To which Satan replies - “Yeah? Where you gonna get a lawyer?!”

A Sunday School teacher asked, “Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark?”

“No,” replied Johnny. “How could he with just two worms?”

Once, there were three nuns who always did what the priest told them to do.

One day, the priest said, “You three have been very good. You can each go out and do one bad thing.” So, the nuns left.

After about one hour, the first nun came back.
“I ran over a kids’ bike,” she said. “Your sins are forgiven. Go drink of the holy water,” the priest said.

Then, another nun came back.
“I beat up the kid,” she said. “Your sins are forgiven. Go drink of the holy water,” the priest said.

Finally, the last nun came back, laughing.
“Calm down,sister!” the priest said. “By the way, what did you do?”

The nun replied, “I peed in the holy water.”

Two nuns went out of the convent to sell cookies. One of them is known as Sister Mathematical (SM) and the other one is known as Sister Logical (SL). It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SL: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past half-hour?

SM: Yes, I wonder what he wants.

SL: It’s logical. He wants to have his way with us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most. What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is that we have to start walking faster.

SM: It is not working.

SL: Of course it is not working. The man did the only obvious thing to do. He started to walk faster too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I’ll go this way. He cannot follow both of us.

So the man decided to go after Sister Logical.
Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried because Sister Logical has not yet arrived. Finally, Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell us what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened. The man could not follow both of us, so he followed me.

SM: So, what happened? Please tell us.

SL: The only logical thing to happen. I started to run as fast as I could.

SM: So what happened?

SL: The only logical thing to happen. The man also started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And what else?

SL: The only logical thing to happen. He reached me.

SM: Oh, no! What did you do then?

SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

SM: Oh, Sister. What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.

SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL: Isn’t it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down!

“I have good news, and I have bad news,” spake Moses as he returned from the peaks of Mt. Sinai. “The good news is that God has reduced the commandments to ten. The bad news is that adultry’s still in.”