Religious Jokes

At a U. N. meeting, the American ambassador turned to the Japanese ambassador and whispered, “When was your last election?”

The Japanese ambassador turned bright red and whispered back, “Before bleakfast.”

It is the year 1998.The US, Russia and Poland were at a huge international space meeting in Moscow.

The US gets up on the stage, so they tell about their space program. “We have accomplished alot in space technology,we have had men on the moon,we have sent up many satellites.”
They go on about the program for about 30 minutes.

Then it’s Russia’s turn,so they get up there and tell about their program. “Well, we have sent men to the moon and created the mir space station and sent up satellites also.”
They go on for about 20 minutes.

Then the polish speaker gets up there and says, “We don’t have a space program yet, but very soon we will be setting a record.” He pauses for a moment, then continues, “We are going to be the first country to send a man to the SUN!”

Everybody starts laughing and then a US astronaut points out, “You can’t send a man to the sun, he would burn up.”

So the Polish speaker looks over and says, “We’ve got that figured out.” He pauses for a moment, “We are going to send him at night.”

There was this Rabbi in a small town, and he was really curious about why so many people ate pork. He wanted to try some, but there was nowhere in town he could go and not be seen.

One weekend, he made an excuse and traveled to a distant town, went into a restaurant and ordered the first pork item on the menu. While he’s waiting for his order of pork, the president of his congregation walks in. He sees the Rabbi and asks if he could join him for dinner, and the Rabbi has no choice but to agree.

Some time later, the waiter returns with the Rabbi’s meal. He takes the cover off the large platter, and there is a whole roast pig, with an apple in its mouth.

The congregation president is more than a little shocked.

“What a fancy place!” exclaims the Rabbi quickly. “Just look at how they serve the apple I ordered.”

A panda is walking down the Main Street when he is approached by a “Lady of the Night”. She says, “Hello darling, would you like a nice time?”

The Panda says, “Um, yes why not?”

So they both go back to the lady’s apartment. She makes a fabulous dinner, with every dish imaginable, provides drinks, plays good music. The inevitable happens. They go to bed and have a really great night.

In the morning the Panda gets up, has a wash and says, “Thanks a lot for a wonderful night. I must get back to the Zoo now.”

She says, “But you haven’t paid me yet”

“What do you mean by paying you?” says Panda.

“Well, I’m a prostitute,” she says.

“What’s that?” says Panda.

“Get the dictionary,” says she.

The Panda reads: “Prostitute = a woman who provides sexual pleasure for money.”

He says, “Look up the definition of Panda”

She opens the dictionary at the required page and reads, “Panda = black and white furry creature. Eats shoots and leaves.”

After a complete physical checkup, the doctor asks Dave Reynolds how old he is.

“I’m 60, doc” says Dave.

“Well, that’s astonishing, Mr. Reynolds,” comments the doctor, “You’ve got the body of a 35-year old. You might live forever. How old was your father when he passed away?”

“Pardon me, doc, did I say he’d passed away?” says Dave. “He’s 82 years old and skis all winter and surfs all summer.”

“That’s remarkable” says the doctor. “How old was your grandfather when he passed on?”

“Did I say he was dead?” replies Dave.

“You mean you’re 60 years old and both your father and grandfather are still alive??? Is your grandfather in good health?”

“Yes,” says Dave. “He skis with my father in the winter and still loves to water-ski all summer. As a matter of fact, he’s 106 years old and getting married again next Saturday.”

“My lord”, exclaims the doctor, “Why on earth would he want to get married at 106?”

“Did I say he wanted to?”