Religious Jokes

One day as George is sitting in class the teacher is asking everybody questions about their parents and what they do for a living. Everybody replies with doctor, engineer, architect, etc. When it’s Geore’s turn, he tells the teacher that his mom works as a substitute. The teacher asks what kind of substitute and George says, “I don’t know… she just wears high heels and a very short, tight skirt and walks around the street at night.”

The teacher giggles. She says that George is wrong and that it’s not called a substitute, it’s called a prostitute.

George says, “No, my aunt is the prostitute, and when she is sick, my mom substitutes for her.”

A recently married young Rabbi went to his congregation, informed them of his wife’s pregnancy and asked for a raise in wages that would allow him a reasonable salary.

After due deliberation, they all agreed that the increase in family size warranted the raise and informed the Rabbi.

As time went on and after 6 births in six years, a meeting was called to complain that the cost was becoming burdensome.

Addressing the congregation, the Rabbi said that having children was an act of God just like snow and rain.

From the back of the room came a voice saying, “Point of order, Rabbi. For snow and rain, we all wear rubbers.”

One sunny Tuesday afternoon, in a bar in Normandy, France, a Barman notices two guys sitting in the corner leaning on each other. The Barman, feelng a bit homophobic, goes over to these two and says,
“I’m sorry, but we don’t accept gay people in this bar! There is a lovely gay bar down the road if you are interested!”

The couple look angry and one replies,
“I’m sorry to tell you, but we are not gay! We are in fact Siamese twins who are joined at the shoulder!”

The barmen looks aghast, and says,
“I am sooooooo sorry! Let me give you anything you want! I have the best wine cellar in France, take a couple of my finest cases! Free of charge!”

One of the twins replies,

“I’m sorry, but neither me or my brother like wine! We’d just prefer a nice soft drink now and again!”

The barman, a bit disappointed with the twins says,
“Well, you must have come to taste the fabulous French Bistro! Why dont you let me rustle up a fabulous 7 course meal tonight, on me!”

The other twin decides to speak and says,
“I’m sorry, but we don’t like French food that much! We’d just prefer to have fish and chips from our local chippy in Birmingham!”

The barman is a bit worried now, so says to the twins,
“Well, what about France’s amazing scenery? I own ten 15 acre fields, why don’t you have one of them for your own personal use?”

One of the twins reply,
“I’m sorry, but were not the kinda people who go out and savour the countryside. We’d much rather stay in and watch the English footie on a Sunday afternoon!”

So the French barman looks at the pair in disbelief! He says,

“O.K., so you don’t like the French wine, you don’t like the french bistro and you don’t like our countryside! What do you come on holiday in France for?”

The twin on the right says,
“It’s the only chance that my twin brother gets the chance to drive!”

We all know those cute little computer symbols called “emoticons,” where means a smile and is a frown. Sometimes these are represented by and respectively. Well, how about some “asscons”?

(_!_) a regular ass

(__!__) a fat ass

(!) a tight ass

(_._) a flat ass

(_^^_) a bubble ass

(_*_) a sore ass

(_!__) a lop-sided ass

{_!_} a swishy ass

(_o_) an ass that’s been around

(_O_) an ass that’s been around even more

(_x_) kiss my ass

(_X_) leave my ass alone

(_zzz_) a tired ass

(_o^^o_) a wise ass

(_E=mc2_) a smart ass

(_13_) an unlucky ass

(_$_) Money coming out of his ass

(_?_) Dumb Ass
..oo*”"”**oo.oo*”"*oo..
.oo*” “*o.o*” “*o.
o” ‘o” “o
o o *o
o o ‘
o o o.
o o o.
o o o o
\o/ o
o –0– o
o /o\ o
o o o
o o o
o o o
oo o oo
o
oo. oo oo ‘ooo.
.oo. ooo
“o “”oo,, ,,oO-’Oo, ,,,,,oo”o
o. “”"”"” oo “”"”" .o
‘o oo o’
*o oo o
‘o o o
o o o
o o o
o o o
o o o
o o o
o o o

You have been e-mooned!

The minister selected a 50-cent item at a convenience store, but then discovered he didn’t have any money with him.

“I could invite you to hear me preach in return,” he said jokingly to the clerk, “but I’m afraid I don’t have any 50-cent sermons.”

“Perhaps,” suggested the clerk, “I could come twice.”