Religious Jokes

For the last 15 years Phil and Dave have car-pooled together and had lunch together and never have missed a day. One day Dave was waiting outside on the bench for Phil for lunch and Phil nevers shows up. This was not a good sign but Dave said he would wait until after work because maybe something had come up at the last minute.

So after work Dave met Phil at the car and asked him, “Where were you today at lunch?”

Phil said, “I had to go to the restroom and when I got there I pulled a muscle.”

Dave replied, “I don’t understand why were you gone for thirty minutes?”

Phil’s reply : “I had to pull it 175 times.”

A notorious burglar observes the day-to-day activities of an old lady who is living alone in an apartment as he waits for an opportunity to rob her place if she ever leaves. Sure enough when the old lady goes out to attend an early evening mass, the burglar goes into action and manages to break into her apartment. However, as the burglar is looking for anything to steal, the old lady unexpectedly comes back to the apartment as she forgets her rosary. When the old lady opens her door, she discovers the burglar trying to carry off her television set.

The old lady says in a stern voice to the burglar, “Stop what you’re doing!” And being a religious devotee, she quotes from the Bible, “Acts 2:38.” which she hopes will encourage the burglar to turn away from sin.

Surprisingly, the burglar stays in place and even raises his hands as if to surrender. The old lady then calmly phones the police for help.

When the police arrive, the old lady tells them what has just happened and points to the burglar still standing in place. As he is putting the cuffs on the burglar, the police officer asks the burglar, “Why did you not run away when the old lady was just quoting the Psalms?”

“What? She was just quoting the Psalms?” asks the hapless burglar. “I thought she said she had an axe and two .38s.”

At church service one night, the congregation held a special prayer service for a lady that was having complications with her pregnancy. She was told that she was to have the baby later that evening. At the end of the service, one of our teenagers led the closing prayer. In the prayer, he said this: “… please be with the family that is having complications with their pregnancy. We pray that everything will come out alright….” You could almost feel the pews shaking with laughter.

At the beginning of the children’s sermon, one little girl came up to the altar wearing a beautiful dress.

As the children are sitting down around the pastor, the pastor leans over and says to the little girl, “That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter dress?”

The girl replies almost directly into the pastor’s clip-on mike, “Yes…and my Mom says it’s a bitch to iron.”

The other day I read that a man was arrested for animal necrofelia. How do you plead in that case?

“Gee your honor, I didn’t know the cat was dead when I was fucking him.”